


The Girl in the Coffee Shop

by klutzybriefing



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alpha Ben Solo, Alternate Universe, Ben Solo Angst, Ben Solo Has Issues, Ben Solo Has MAJOR Issues, Dark Ben Solo, Dark Kylo Ren, Eventual Smut, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mental Health Issues, Obsession, Obsessive Kylo Ren, Possessive Ben Solo, Rey has issues, Slow Burn, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-01-08 01:23:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 38,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21227483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klutzybriefing/pseuds/klutzybriefing
Summary: Rey and her fellow graduate students have been slowly nursing the life back into an old, run-down 24-hour internet cafe on a side of town that boasts not one, but TWO indoor ice skating rinks. They're barely hanging on, but they have a few regulars to keep things interesting.Well, one in particular. But she'll soon find out that he has no interest in the free wi-fi.--ON HIATUS AS OF 12-27-19. But it'll come back and be finished in mid-February. Also gonna do some major edits. LOVE YALLL <3





	1. Chapter 1

It was _freezing_ outside. 

Rey grumbled something akin to a curse when her fingers hit a handle. The curse devolved into a growl when she realized the door was locked, and she’d have to grapple with the small satchel at her side and summon a key, which—by no fault of her own, of course—might or might not actually be in there. 

“Damn it, Rose,” she hissed into her scarf. Rey reached a gloved hand up to wipe away at her nose and yank the fabric off with her teeth in the same motion. If looks could kill, her satchel would have burst into flames at this point.  
  
Which might have done something about the damn weather. 

It was two minutes before she found the key at the bottom, sticky from crumbs of long-forgotten granola bars and gummy worms. Another minute before her shaky hands, now turning pink from the frigid air, could successfully unlock the door… and another ten before the old, wretched heater in her office finally kicked itself into gear. 

Rey already felt exhausted from the ordeal. Her body sunk into a pile of blankets she kept in her office chair, and she sat limply, contemplating the day ahead. Rose had clearly left early, though she couldn’t blame her for doing so—their tiny little 24-hour internet cafe creaked and moaned and nearly howled during snowstorms like this one. It was spooky to man the place alone. 

But they needed the money, Rey reminded herself. She’d chastise her friend later. The dexterity had returned to her fingers now, and there was work to be done. 

After an hour of idle cleaning, the cafe looked spick and span, finally ready to greet the morning’s guests. “If anyone even shows up,” she mumbled halfheartedly at the thought, unsure if the idea sounded horrible or comforting. She already knew the thought was in vain, as they had regulars. One, in particular, would be shimmying through the door in…—she paused to look over at the clock, which flashed 7:56 am—two minutes. 

“Good morning,” she called, not raising her head up from the register. Not for him, at least. All he’d do is knit his brows together, clench his jaw and stare at her with those huge, brown eyes, like he did every morning. Like he was working up the courage to tell her she smelled, or worse. 

She couldn’t be too picky about customers, though. Not in the current state of disarray they’d found the business in. Despite boasting top internet speeds and cheap coffee and sweets made at the hands of real-life, real-miserable graduate students, they were doing abysmally poorly. “Can I get you some coffee?” 

Her eyes finally trailed away from the til, locking with his from across the countertop. He was almost menacingly huge. She could tell under his various button-downs that his physique was muscular and toned, and she often wondered when he found the time to work out at all. The man spent his days looming in the cafe, from the early morning to long after her shift ended--didn't leave much time to be a gym rat. 

“Only if Rose made it,” he responded flatly. “You don’t put nearly enough beans in yours.”

Everything he said rubbed her the wrong way. He must have known this, he must have taken delight in it, because something almost mischievous flashed across his expression. He stared down at her for a moment, then continued, the same way he did every morning. “But I will take one of these.” 

He pointed through the glass to a stack of large, round chocolate chip cookies. Rey rolled her eyes.

“You sure? I often hear that I don’t put nearly enough chocolate chips in these,” she grumbled in response, but her fingers, now lined with parchment paper, were already reaching into the display. She handed it to him over the counter, frowning when he brushed his fingers against hers. This was their song and dance, every morning. Insult, comeback, sweet treat, finger brushing. Then silence. 

“I actually think you put in way too many,” he muttered, just as flatly as before. He held the cookie up to the light, as if inspecting it for imperfections. “It’ll have to do. Thank you, Rey.”  


She scrunched her nose, but there were more customers coming in now, and she couldn’t afford to waste her attention on him for much longer. “See you in a few hours, Ben.”

Her response was absentminded, but a fake smile was plastered across her face now, and she was greeting her next customers in the same breath. 

———————

Ben always sat in the same spot, curled into the corner of a couch far enough away that he could get away with stealing long, fleeting glances at the woman behind the counter. Her otherwise listless brown hair was always pulled back into a neat bun, her face was always frowning, and he was convinced that if he closed his eyes he could draw all the little lines of worry that etched across her face. They were subtle, tender. Just like her. 

He drew in a shaky breath and pressed the cookie to his lips. It tasted fine enough, but he could tell that the ratios were all off—way too much brown sugar. He’d have to tease her about it, tomorrow. But for now… 

He opened up a manuscript on his laptop titled _The Girl in the Coffee Shop_ and got to work. 


	2. Business or Pleasure?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey realizes that her cafe's most notorious pest might not be so bad after all. 
> 
> Ben realizes that he needs to buy stronger pencils.

“Did you kick me off the internet?” Ben was fuming as he approached the counter, slamming his computer down with a loud _ thunk._ His muse had really come out in the last five minutes, and the interface he was using failed to auto-save his relentless typing. “Jesus _ fuck. _” 

He was glowering down at his laptop now, fully prepared to throw it against the wall at the next connection error notification. 

As emotional and intense as the accusation was, Rey could do nothing but sigh. He’d get like this occasionally, she was used to it, she could handle it. Besides, his rage was directed at his computer. Not her. 

“Yes, sir, I kicked you off the internet. I love doing that to paying customers,” she muttered. He almost didn’t hear it, but the sarcasm was enough to break him out of his technologically-induced fugue. He tried to mimic her nose wrinkling from earlier, believing that to be the only way to effectively communicate his amused irritation. 

She didn’t even notice. It was four o-clock now, the sky was turning pink behind a flurry of oppressive snowclouds, and all that was on her mind was the dread of walking home on the ice. They rarely treated the side-street the cafe was on, another of a multitude of variables that deterred customers. 

She could probably add Ben to that list. 

Rey was around the counter now, and squinting down at the screen. “You know,” she hummed, clicking around his laptop’s settings. “I’ve often wondered what it is you do all day.”

“Yeah,” he grunted. “I’ve wondered the same about you.” 

“No, but really,” she continued, seemingly unbothered. “What is it that you’re doing? Writing a book? Leaving rude YouTube comments?” 

Okay, they were having a conversation now. Suddenly Ben was acutely aware of her proximity to him, the way she smelled like old books and coffee, and the impatient tapping of her fingers against the countertop. 

Rey finally looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, holding his gaze for what seemed like an eternity before he mustered up a snappy enough response. “Uh… the second thing. And a bit of the first. I like to fuse the two; it’s a titillating, if not underrated, genre.” 

“You talk like my advisor,” she smiled back into the screen, and he felt the tension release from his body. He hadn’t even realized his muscles had contracted so violently until they relaxed. “I’m surprised you’re not writing about how much you like to tease me in the mornings. Seems to be your favorite pastime.” 

And just like that, his body was tense again. He swallowed, wondering if he’d actually minimized his work before she took the reins. 

_ No, no, _ he thought, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he couldn’t see his screen. _ I closed everything. _

Besides, if that were the case, she would have known he wrote about teasing her at night. Never in the morning. 

“I wouldn’t mix business and pleasure like that,” Ben finally responded, more confident now. “And I’m not going to tell you which is which.” 

Now she was smiling wider. 

She was beautiful when she smiled, and so very expressive. He wasn’t sure she could hide her true feelings if she wanted to. Not from him, at least. 

She finally turned his laptop back to face him, and he was surprised to see that his computer was back online. “You’re a funny guy, Ben Solo.” 

The compliment made him feel warm, but the sudden realization that he had no further reason to loiter by the counter made him feel… well, empty. 

“I know. Thank you.” He cleared his throat and brought his laptop back to his chest, regretfully making his way back to the corner of the cafe. “On both counts.” 

— 

Rey was too busy fiddling with the shoelaces on her boots to notice Rose walking in. She was there to relieve Rey of her shift, and the latter of the women couldn’t have been more glad to see the clock strike six. Rey had an incredibly hot date lined up with her dissertation at home; she couldn’t be late. Not again. 

“Benjamin Solo, what are we going to do with you?” Rose’s chipper voice filled the store, replacing the air of severity that had settled over the area with excitement, cheer. 

_ And that’s why we have her on night shift, _ Rey thought to herself. 

Ben just chuckled, throwing up to shift his hair out of his face. “Has Rey left yet?” 

“No, no,” Rey responded, almost too excitedly, popping back up from behind the counter. “Not yet. Just lacing up my boots. A little too eager for my date tonight.” 

_ Date? _

“So who’s the lucky guy?” He asked through gritted teeth. 

Ben’s fingers had been wrapped around a pencil before Rose’s interruption. He’d been scribbling wild notes throughout the pages of his yellow legal pad, a weekly occurrence at the least. Only he knew that he was always toying with the idea of slipping Rey his phone number, or leaving her a note of any sort, even a simple “do-you-like-me-yes-or-no” would suffice. But he was always too nervous to mess up what had quickly become the most functional relationship he’d had in his life. 

And today had been their first real conversation. 

“I bet it’s Poe. It’s Poe, isn’t it?” Rose was grinning, leaning over the counter now towards a blushing Rey. “Oh my God. It is!” 

_ Snap. _

Ben glared down at his hand, which had loudly betrayed his trust and frustration, to find a newly broken pencil. 

Poe. That absolute idiot. Fucking piece of shit, horrible, stupid, insolent, impotent idiot. There was no one on this Earth that Ben hated more, no one that made him feel more… rage. Violence. Anger. There were no words to describe the feeling that clawed at his gut, the idea that his little coffee shop girl could possibly be— 

“Oh, stop teasing,” Rey frowned at her friend, suddenly aware of the blush spreading across her cheeks. “I meant with my dissertation. I have to defend it in…” she trailed off, desperately attempting to calculate the day. “Exactly three months, it seems. And I’m hardly past the literature review.” 

Relief passed through him, but it wasn’t enough to sate the anger bubbling in his brain, stomach, under his skin. It wasn’t enough to take the visual of Poe Dameron out of his brain. But it was enough to get him to slide his notebook back into his bag. He’d give her his number another day, he decided. 

Rose’s eyebrows furrowed downwards, a look that would make anyone else look less playful, but now she seemed like she was in on a joke that no one else was. 

“Why don’t you work on it here?” 

Rey just chuckled. Truthfully, she couldn’t handle the constant interruptions. But now she had an inside joke with her least favorite regular, and their budding friendship just might help the mornings go by faster. “Something about mixing business and pleasure,” she grinned, casting a look over at Ben. “Though I don’t know which is which.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you guys are very nice, and I'm adding another chapter the same day because I feel VERY happy and validated and adfkjas;ldfj. I hope you guys enjoy the story progression! Please let me know what you think, or what your predictions are!


	3. The truth will get you a restraining order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boy writes obsessively about girl for months on end, less than fifteen feet away from her. Hilarity ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Ben Solo pain train. Choo choo!

Rey was in a better mood than usual as she opened. Perhaps “opened” wasn’t the word, since they hadn’t really closed, but a flurry of light snores floating from the cracked door of the shared office told Rey that there had been no adults in charge for a few hours. Still, there was cleaning to be done, pastries to be baked, and bookkeeping to squint at and put back under the til for “another time.” 

It had been two weeks since her first true encounter with Ben Solo. He’d quickly become her favorite customer, maybe even her favorite person. He was witty, challenging, intelligent, and impossible to read. Perhaps it was the last trait that interested her so much. His face was stoic and unmoving when they’d interact, unless Rey said something especially witty—then he’d battle a little smile at the corner of his lips, or come up with an excuse to cover the bottom half of his face up completely, as if he couldn’t give her the satisfaction of a genuine grin. 

She learned a lot about him in this time period, and replaying the facts in her mind was oddly comforting. His parents were wealthy, which she’d already guessed—anyone living on this side of the university came from money. It was why she had to walk three miles to open her cafe in the morning. He was working on the next great American novel, or something like that. He said he’d cracked the code of the most interesting subject on Earth, but refused to tell her what it was, which only further drove her interest. He’d studied English and Philosophy in school, but never got a proper job. She’d tried to coax him into graduate school, since he already had the scowl down, but he just chuckled and refused. “It’s been ten years since I graduated, I’m out of practice,” he’d said. “Besides, I hate twenty-somethings. Such a miserable lot.” Her nose had scrunched up when he said that, and he’d mimicked it so perfectly that she’d snorted. 

Rose had been teasing her about him since day one. Relentlessly. But Rey’s self-esteem was such that she couldn’t accept a man would be interested her, at least not one so seemingly put together. “Why would any human being come to the same shitty coffee shop every day for three months?” Rose had asked. Rey had doubtlessly thought of this before, but couldn’t come up with an answer that satisfied her. 

“You know I initiated our first conversation, right?” Rey frowned. “And that was less than two weeks ago.”

She remembered the way Rose rolled her eyes, primarily because the next thing she’d said was so memorable. “I promise he has wi-fi at home. I’ll take over your shift for a month if I’m wrong—that man wants to do disgusting things to you.” 

Rey had made incredibly quick work of that conversation, but the thought was already adhered to the back of her brain. Rose tended to be right about these things, after all. 

That was why her eyes kept trailing to the clock this morning. The ten minutes before seven were always the hardest. They always seemed longer than the entirety of her shift, but today was worse. Today was different. Today, she was going to make a move. 

_ Maybe. _

The door jingled, and her body immediately stood at attention. She looked around desperately for something to pretend she was interested in, something to take her excitement down a few notches. Her brain cursed her for not thinking of planting something sooner. 

It’s not like Ben would have noticed, anyways. She could tell from the corner of her eye that he was staring down at his hands instead of her. If he wasn’t so physically menacing she might have likened him to a chastised child. He skulked in front of the counter and stared down at her without saying a word. 

“You… feeling okay?” Rey asked. “I have… lots of medicine in the back. Advil, DayQuil… NyQuil, too, if you’re feeling adventurous today.” Her nervous rambling cut through their shared, shaky silence like a knife, but she couldn’t stop herself. “I’m kind of a hypochondriac.” 

And then it happened. 

Ben Solo _ grinned. _ It was warm and inviting and encapsulating, taking up half of his face. 

_ Beautiful, _ she thought, feeling her cheeks get hot. _ Absolutely beautiful. _ She couldn’t risk speaking again, lest she risk of scaring it away. 

“A thirty-three year old man is staring you down like a serial killer, and you’re asking if he’s okay?” Ben was still smiling.

“Well, yeah,” she murmured, beginning to grin herself. “I need to keep the serial killer on my good side, right?” 

“Touché, touché,” He was no longer smiling, but she could feel the happiness dripping off of him, and her own grin didn’t waver. “You’d be on my good side forever if you went to dinner with me tonight.” 

Rey was too stunned to respond, at least not immediately. She was blushing _ and _ flushing, if such a feat were even possible, and her stomach had suddenly become host to some sort of mass-monarch butterfly migration. She could tell by the glint in his eye that making her flustered was a great point of pride for him. 

That didn’t sit well with the fighter in her, so she reached through her brain to find something to fluster him equally. 

“Of course,” she smiled sweetly, finally finding her footing. “But first I get to look over this novel of yours. That’s my only condition.” 

Aaaand he was flustered. Bingo. 

———

_ Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. FUCK. _

Ben opened his laptop with shaky fingers. He hadn’t given a committal answer to her reading over his shoulder, but if this was going to go anywhere, she’d find out soon enough. 

He hadn’t meant for it to go this far. He saw a cute girl walking into a cafe three months ago, the location piqued his interest, and he was hooked on her the moment she asked if he would like any coffee, like she was the one with caffeine. He really was trying to write about something entirely fictitious then. Honest to God. But he never got a start on what he’d wanted. It was boring, a pointless effort to show his stupid, disapproving parents that he was capable of accomplishing something. And now both his parents and the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen thought he was writing some grand novel about... he couldn't even remember. Pirates? Something like that. No, space pirates. His mother had even commended him for taking the effort so seriously._ FUCK. _

At some point he’d read online that he should attempt to write about what was going on around him, that it would get the creative juices flowing. And so he’d written about _her_. At that point, she was just an encapsulating thought, something that gnawed at the edges of his consciousness but hadn’t quite made its way through yet. He quickly got bored writing about her in the present, so he started writing about the day he’d ask her on a date, primarily attempting to strike up the nerve. 

Somehow the plot progressed from a date to dating to making love. And when the idea of making love got boring, he started writing about ** fucking. ** Everywhere. Especially on the couch he was sitting on. He wrote about it all day, it was his escapism, his refuge from a life of failure and pent-up rage. His eyes bulged down at his computer. More than four hundred thousand words, at least half of which described the most depraved, horrible actions. In the story, she loved every second of it. In real life, she’d be absolutely horrified. He already knew it. She was so nervous just accepting the date, how could he justify having written so many words about sticking his entire—

“So when are you going to let me see it?” Rey asked, plopping down beside him on the couch. She used the motion to pretend to peek over his shoulder, teasingly. He would have been flustered by the contact if he wasn’t so absolutely mortified. 

“I—n-not yet, I have—I’m almost done, just let me... proofread,” he stuttered. Every ounce of his faux confidence from the last three weeks was gone without a trace. “I swear, I’ll let you see it, just… just give me a minute.” 

“But I don’t want to wait,” Rey whined. “I want to see it now.” 

He had to fight a shudder. He was sure he’d written that exact line and described that exact tone in an entirely different context before. 

The jingling of the door was his only saving grace from what was proving to be the most horrible experience of his life. And as if the day couldn’t get any worse, in walked his life’s greatest rival. 

Poe fucking Dameron.


	4. Someone's in trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben learns that Rey isn't the meek little girl he thought she was, which only makes her more enthralling.

Poe and Rey were close in a way that Ben couldn’t quite describe. Not without feeling ill, of course. He was ruggedly handsome, quick-witted, and overwhelmingly positive. Friendly. Outgoing. 

_ Dead. _

Ben’s eyes narrowed as he watched Poe wrap his arm around Rey, finally allowing it to rest on the small of her back. While he was thankful for the distraction from the smut on his screen, he would have preferred something slightly less… male. 

Poe shot a wave in Ben’s direction with his free hand. They’d known each other since high school, what with Ben’s mother taking a particular interest in grooming Poe for a military career. Rey wasn’t the first of Ben’s women that this man had snaked himself around—there was a history there, one that left something violent clawing into Ben’s chest and mind. 

Now Poe was in graduate school at the local university, biding his time and GI money until he became some sort of high-ranking official. Probably a general, just like Ben’s mother had always wanted. Poe somehow never disappointed. 

“Sorry to bother you at work,” Poe began. His arm was still looped around Rey’s back. He couldn’t feel Ben’s eyes boring holes into his skull, and he probably wouldn’t have cared if he could. “I just can’t get in touch with Rose. She borrowed my epistemology textbook last night, and I needed it back…” he paused to squint down at his watch. “Two hours ago.” 

“Classic Rose,” Rey grinned, motioning towards the office door. There were still light snores escaping from the room. “She’s been asleep for a while now. I didn’t want to wake her, I know she’s been fighting sleep for a few days to meet a deadline.” 

“I might be able to sneak it outta there without waking her myself, then,” Poe grinned back, finally releasing his hold on Rey. “D’ya mind if I pick up some sweets on my way out? I’m up against a deadline myself.” 

“What’s mine is yours,” Rey dismissed him with a tiny wave of her hand. “Take as much as you want.” 

“This is one among many reasons that I introduce you as my angel. Truly.” Poe’s smile widened, so much so that Rey thought it might tear his face in half. “And now I need my angel to pray that I don’t wake the beast in her office.” 

Rey couldn’t help but scrunch her nose at being called “angel.” There wasn’t a speck of feeling between the two, but Poe couldn’t help but flirt with everyone he met. No man nor woman nor beast could avoid Poe’s… charms. No matter how much they wanted to. She sighed in relief when her dear friend finally walked away, disappearing into the faint light of the cafe’s office. 

Ben did a lot more than sigh. When Rey stole a fleeting glance back at the couch, he was typing furiously into his laptop, so close that his prominent nose was at risk of tapping the screen back. His eyebrows were knitted together, and his expression was much more severe than usual. Rey didn’t know why, but the sight made her stomach drip with fuzziness. He must have been in the midst of writing about something so exciting, and she couldn’t wait to finally see. 

A few minutes later, Poe emerged from her office. There was more than one book in his arms, but Rey didn’t care to question it. It was probably his tiny little attempt at revenge for Rose’s tardiness. He loaded up a large bag of pastries—including most of the chocolate chip cookies—and began to head out. 

“You should come study this week, by the way,” Poe called over his shoulder as he headed through the door with his loot. “I’ll make it fun, like last time. Bring Rose so she can kill me.” 

The door slammed shut before Rey could protest. It didn’t matter—Ben had enough protest in him for the both of them. 

“Why would you ever hang out with that creep?” Ben hissed before Rey could even turn all the way around. He was all packed up now, and quickly shortening the distance between them. He regretted the severity of his tone the moment he began, but he couldn’t _ help _ himself. That disgusting fuckwad was stomping into territory he didn’t belong. “I’ll have you know, he’s somehow charmed the pants off of half the women in this town. And sorely disappointed.” It sounded more like a warning than an anecdote, and Rey couldn’t help but shutter at the thought of it. She’d heard stories of Poe’s conquests, mostly from Poe himself, and she didn’t really doubt what Ben was saying. 

“Jesus Christ, Ben. The man is like a weird older brother to me. It’s not like—“ she stopped when she realized Ben was making a beeline for the door. She shifted her body so she was blocking the exit and frowned up at him. “What, do you think I want to fuck him? Is that why you’re bringing up the other women?”

Ben’s jaw clenched. It wasn’t Rey’s fault, he knew, but he was so fucking angry. If not for the history between him and this man in particular, he could have laughed it off. He might have even felt proud to be the actual object of Rey’s affections. But no, it was Poe Dameron, and Ben was convinced that Poe got what he wanted. Especially when what he wanted was Ben’s. 

He sighed sharply enough to send a chill down Rey’s spine, and she wondered how much longer she’d have it in her to block the exit. 

“I don’t think you want to…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the thought, but the flash in his eyes was enough communication for Rey to understand. His breath was short and he looked even more exasperated now that he lacked a clear escape. “I just don’t want to see another man touch you. Ever again.”

“You don’t own me,” Rey growled up at him. He could tell that he’d thrown open a door that she was constantly fighting to keep closed. “I’m not an object.” 

He felt something sharp poke into his chest, and when he looked down to inspect, he realized it was her finger. Now he was the one feeling nervous shivers down his spine. 

“Tell me, Ben Solo. Tell me you know I’m not a fucking object.” Her voice was low and her breath was hot, and her eyes looked like two poisonous daggers scanning for the most vulnerable spots on his body. He knew it was wrong, but he felt his pants getting tighter. _Fucking hell._ Thank God he’d gone with the black pants today. 

He finally swallowed, then repeated after her, “you’re not an object, Rey.” 

“And you don’t own me.” 

“I don’t own you,” he breathed. _ Not yet. _

“Okay, then. Pick me up at 6:30.” She nodded up at him and moved out of the way. She was still angry, but she’d felt the same electric heat in the air as Ben had, and it was wearing down at her resolve. “And please don’t change. You look very handsome in blue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't wait to see how dinner goes!


	5. Coq au vin (among other things)

“I toooold youuuu,” Rose beamed. Her taunting echoed through their otherwise empty store. “Doesn’t Rey Solo have such a ring to it?”

“Oh, shut up,” Rey couldn’t help but smile, but a strong blush was permeating through her cheeks. She’d decided not to tell Rose about Ben’s misstep earlier in the day. Her head swooshed from side to side, just subtly enough that Rose wouldn’t notice, as if she was shaking the thought away altogether. “I’d keep my maiden name, anyway. Reminds me of my first foster mom.” 

“Yeah, let’s keep the traumatic childhood stuff to a minimum tonight,” Rose chuckled halfheartedly, eager to change the subject. If she didn’t, Rey might have fallen into a spiral that no tall, handsome man could pull her out of. She motioned for Rey to take a seat in front of her, and Rey obliged. “Just a braid? Maybe two?” She hummed for a moment before she started brushing. “No, no. You’re an adventurous girl. Let’s do three.” 

“Please just do one.” Rey might have actually processed the sarcasm if she wasn’t so nervous. “Any more than that and he might forget that I’m a 24-year old PhD candidate. That’s really all I have going for me here.” 

Rose yanked Rey’s head back with a frown. “None of that self-deprecating shit,” she demanded, letting her fingers get to work. “Gonna do a fishtail. Sit forward.” 

Rey looked like a completely different woman forty-five minutes later. She was wearing mascara and subtle lipstick, and her tendrils fell to frame her face in a way that Rose described as “godly,” whatever that was supposed to mean. She’d also summoned up the courage to change into her “professional” clothes, the ones she kept in the office for meetings with their building manager. 

“I can’t tell if you’re going for an interview or a date,” Rose had teased. “But I suppose its one and the same. Think you’ll get the job?” 

Now there was nothing left to do but tap her fingers against the glass countertop, nervously counting down the seconds before Ben would walk in the door. He was punctual, she knew that much. Almost to a fault. 

By 6:28, her tapping had become louder, more rhythmic. Almost neurotic. “Fuck, Rose. I look ridiculous.” She frowned down at her outfit, especially the heels that she could just barely walk in confidently. She started stomping towards the office, eager to get back into her leggings and out of this starchy black dress. 

“No way!” Rose was too quick for her, jumping into the room and slamming the door shut before Rey could get there. Her voice was muted now, and Rey could tell that she was pressing her lips to the crack between the doorframe. “I will burn these leggings before I let you wear them on a date.” Rey crossed her arms when she heard the door click, but there wasn’t time to do any protesting. The front door jingled immediately after. 

Rey turned on her heel, locking eyes with Ben immediately. Ben’s eyes didn’t maintain contact long—there were far more interesting things to look at, as much as he hated to admit it. He started scanning her body, which he noted was _much_ more defined in her dress, head to toe and back up again. She was blushing and he was smirking. 

“Sorry to bother you, ma’am,” he started, crossing his arms in front of him. He was still taking her in. “But I came to pick up Rey. Have you seen her?” He held his hand up to his chest. “About this high, always wears the same pair of leggings?” 

“I look ridiculous, don’t I?” Rey sighed. He hadn’t even meant to this time, but he’d struck a nerve. “Rose won’t let me change.” 

“FOR THE RECORD,” Rose called through the doorframe. Rey had almost forgotten she was there at all, so she jumped, silently cursing her friend’s nosiness. “SHE’D BE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE EITHER WAY.” 

“I have to agree with Rose here.” Ben was still smirking, but now it was deeper, more humored. “I’m only making jokes because I feel so underdressed. But you told me not to change, and now I’m making the same demand.” 

Rey wanted to frown, but she couldn’t help the giddy grin spreading across her face. Now his strange behavior before seemed like a one-off. Maybe he was just stressed. 

He stepped forward, hesitantly lacing their fingers together, as if he was asking for permission. Rey didn’t know why or how or who she’d pissed off to make her body so reactive, but the contact made her feel like she was floating. Was this why Rose went on so many dates before Finn? 

“So, where am I taking you?” His deep voice cut through their silence like a knife. 

“I dunno,” Rey shrugged. “The fanciest place I’ve been since I moved here was probably Zaxby’s. If it’s better than that, I’ll be impressed.” 

“You trying to break my bank or something?” He stared down at her incredulously, feigning shock so convincingly that Rey almost didn’t register his playful tone. “Burger King’s the limit with me, baby. I thought you knew that.” 

Rey gave his hand a firm squeeze, and he chuckled, staring down at her. She wanted to hate the way he towered over her, but all she could do was grin back up at him. “I will get it together soon, I promise,” she said, pulling him gently towards the door. “Once I shake off the nerves, I’ll be an ironic force to be reckoned with.” 

“And I’ll be the happiest man on Earth.” 

— 

Ben had whisked her into the rich part of town, to a French restaurant that smelled like wine and bread and snobbery. This was where they’d had their first date in his writings, but Ben knew that could never measure up to the real thing. He tried to avoid the guilt and unease in his stomach when he reflected on his “novel.” He couldn’t imagine what he’d do when—no, damn it, Ben,—_if_ she found out. 

“What on Earth is coq au vin?” Rey grumbled, only half-asking. She squinted down at the menu. “Confit de canard?” 

“Oh no,” Ben pretended to gag. “You don’t want that, it’s duck. But the coq au vin might actually work for you.” 

“Translate,” Rey demanded, pointing to the menu. “…please.” 

“It’s basically just chicken and wine. It’s, uh…” He scratched the back of his head, suddenly regretting taking her somewhere like this. She was clearly out of her element, and he’d wanted her to feel comfortable. “Do you just want me to order for you? This place is nice and all, but the dishes are really hit or miss.” 

Rey nodded, and thirty minutes later their overdressed waiter brought them two relatively small plates. She glared up at him from across the table. “I’m picking the restaurant next time,” she sighed, poking at her paltry portions with the end of her fork. It was the salad fork, of course, but Ben was too polite to correct her, going as far as picking up his own salad fork so she wouldn’t notice she’d done anything wrong. “We’ll go to Wendy’s. I’ll order you some coq au… bread.” 

_ Did she say next time? _Ben was blushing just enough that Rey could tell. She was proud of herself, but too hungry to dwell on that fact. 

“I can’t tell if you mean a chicken sandwich or a piece of chicken and bread,” he raised an eyebrow at her, bringing his fork to his mouth. “But don’t ruin the surprise, please.” 

— 

“Do you want to get dessert?” Ben asked. His fingers were firmly wrapped around hers, again, and he felt content and whole and happy, if such a thing was even possible for him. Dinner had gone well, better than he could have ever written it. His smile fell when he noticed Rey look down at her smartwatch, and his tone deflated completely. “Or I can take you home, it’s fine.” 

“No, no,” Rey mumbled, still fiddling with the watch. “I was just making sure I closed all my rings before I took you up on that.” She let her wrist fall back down to her side. “Of course I want dessert, weirdo.” 

They grinned at each other and headed on. 

— 

It was 10:30. Rey had made point after point of saying she was sorry, but she _ really_ needed to get home by 11 because she was way too behind on her dissertation, but now she was cursing the clock. They’d been staring into the windows of the vibrant downtown district for an hour or two now, shivering and squeezing each others hands and talking without the pretense of making each other laugh. It was almost comically magical. The town was preparing for their holiday festivities, so there were endless strings of lights around them; enough that Ben was able to count the tiny snowflakes falling onto Rey’s cheeks and eyelashes while she talked about her favorite books and movies and types of ice cream. 

“Looks like it’s time to get you home, pretty girl,” Ben muttered, hardly attempting to conceal his disappointment. He wished she didn’t take her academics so seriously, but eh… she wouldn’t be Rey if she didn’t. “Can’t let your studies suffer on my account.” 

Rey smiled up at him, warmly enough that he might have been able to justify taking off his winter jacket. But he was too transfixed by her eyes, which seemed to be studying every inch of his face like she was going to write her dissertation on that instead of axiology. His jaw clenched, and so did hers, and he realized almost agonizingly slowly that she meant for him to kiss him. The realization made his heart pound. He was positive she could hear it. He was frozen now, just staring down at her the same way he’d done when he was working up the nerve to ask her on a date earlier. _ Like a serial killer. _ Her smile morphed into a grin, and she unlaced their fingers, opting instead to wrap her arms around his neck. Now she was glad for the heels. 

She pulled him down to her level and paused right before their lips met. She was going to say something, but he was too eager to lessen their distance to wait, and he finally took the initiative she’d seemingly been begging for earlier. They were both awkward and fumbled with each others lips before they found the right rhythm. Then it was slow and tender and passionate, all the things Ben had thought were too cliche and Rey thought she never deserved. She didn’t know when it happened, but his arms were wrapped so tightly around her that she thought she might meld into him. He pressed even harder against her, and she returned the enthusiasm, letting the series of passionate kisses burn hotter on each others lips. 

The first thing she noticed when they finally parted was how frigid the air felt on her lips. She buried her face into his neck, not wanting to wipe the remnants of their kiss off just yet. She was thankful that he hadn’t loosened his grip. 

“I like you so much, Ben Solo,” Rey murmured. He shivered a bit from the contact of breath against skin. “So, so much.” 

He had to physically stop himself from declaring his undying love and devotion to her; it was coming up like vomit. The moment was too perfect, something he could have never written or predicted. His heart was still pounding, but it was calmer now, and Rey relished the feeling of it against her. “I l—like you, too, Rey,” he whispered into her hair. “So, so much.” 

She finally pulled away from him. He immediately missed her body, it fit so perfectly into his. But he couldn’t relish the moment for long. 

“Can I finally read your space pirate novel now?” She grinned sheepishly and twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “Don’t be nervous anymore. You couldn’t possibly scare me away, not even with bad grammar or a super predictable plot.” 

_ FUCK. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!
> 
> I already love all of you so much, and we're only five chapters in! Thank you for all the encouragement and kind words. <3 Hopefully all the fluff doesn't scare you away.


	6. The one where Rey narrowly avoids a nervous breakdown

Rey was running late. 

Typically it wouldn’t have been such a big deal, but she had a looming list of to-dos ahead of her: finish her dissertation, bake an entirely new batch of chocolate chip cookies (_thanks a lot, Poe_), somehow provide three months of postponed bookkeeping to their accountant, and clean up the cafe for inspection’s sake—not that it was disgusting, but she knew the current state of the office might piss off a fire marshal or two. Each task was weighing heavily on the forefront of her brain, primarily because each was more urgent than the last. She’d meant to tackle one or two of them the night before, but her brain had been too preoccupied with Ben. Sweet, wonderful Ben, with the world’s softest lips… 

She shook him out of her head, tightening her grip on her laptop bag so her brain would have a sensation to focus on besides the pounding in her chest. She was two wrong thoughts from having an anxiety attack, and two more might have her convincing Ben to ride off into the sunset with her, PhD be damned. She exhaled slowly, allowing her consciousness to focus on the clouds of breath that escaped from the effort. Then an inhale, and another exhale, and another inhale, and another exhale. Three clouds. All good. 

The breathing exercise proved useful when she realized Rose had locked up early—again. She wanted to be mad, but she knew Rose was just as stressed as she was. They both had deadlines. Responsibilities. A failing internet cafe. Even love lives, now. She wasn’t sure how they’d done it for the last three years, or if it had just suddenly gotten overwhelming in the last few months, and she couldn’t tell if she wanted to cry or punch the door for taunting her with its ‘Sorry, we’re closed! :(‘ sign. She didn’t have to look to know her key was hanging on a lanyard in the cafe’s office, and she didn’t have to call Rose to know the woman was unconscious, snoring softly under a pile of blankets seven blocks away. 

So Rey did what any reasonable woman would do: she slid down against the door and started crying. She couldn’t connect to the wifi to load up her dissertation resources, couldn’t bake cookies, couldn’t thumb through the records book, couldn’t move the coat rack away from the heater. But she could cry, and it felt pretty good until she realized her chest was heaving and she no longer had control over the flow of her breathing. She sucked a hard, snotty breath through her nose and started swiping for her “support” system, the one her therapist had suggested keeping in a list on her phone. She blinked down at the names helplessly. Rose, Poe and Finn. The three people on Earth that she knew could reliably win a ‘Most Likely to Be Dead Asleep at 6AM’ award. 

Rey weighed her options. There really only seemed to be two. The first was having a full-blown panic attack, and the second was calling Ben and asking for a ride home. She couldn’t tell which one seemed worse: hyperventilating on an icy sidewalk outside of her place of business, or crying to a guy that she’d just gone on her first date with the previous night.

The second option seemed slightly better, if not less messy. Right? So she pressed her lips into a thin line and brought her phone to her ear. 

“Rey?” Ben yawned. He’d answered on the first ring. Rey almost instinctively threw her phone in the snow from embarrassment—he sounded so tired, and she doubted he wanted to deal with this so early. “Everything okay, sweetheart?”

“I-I’m at the c-cafe—“ her voice was trembling, but she was determined to get a coherent thought out. “I j-just… I’m locked out, I’m really overwhelmed. It’s my fault.” She paused to sniffle. “I left my fucking key, and the inspector is coming tomorrow and Rose tries to keep her coat warm with the heater all day and they’re going to shut me down,” she was crying again, but she couldn’t stop herself now. “Then the building is going to burn to the ground and I’m going to get sent to jail for tax fraud and then I’m going to fail out of graduate school and die.”

All she heard from the other line was silence. Then some shuffling, and some more silence. This only added fuel to the raging inferno of her rambling. 

“And now I’ve completely embarrassed myself in front of you.”

“Wait—no, no, you’re not embarrassing yourself,” Ben finally mumbled. He sounded far away. “I’m just putting on pants.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Rey sniffled harder and used her sleeve to wipe away at the wet mess on her face. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” Ben’s voice finally came through clearly. “I’ll be there in three minutes. Do you want to stay on the phone?” 

“Yes, please.” 

——

Rey had mostly cleaned herself up by the time Ben arrived. Well, she’d at least wiped the mixture of snot and tears from her face, which was enough of a win. They didn’t say much while he drove, but she did manage to regulate her breathing by matching it up with his. Another win. 

The first thing he said was “I’m so proud of you,” and then he was helping her to her feet. She collapsed into the front of him, from a combination of both physical and emotional imbalance, and he held her there tightly. “It’s so hard to breathe yourself out of a panic attack,” he continued. “I heard you doing it on the phone. You’re so strong, Rey. You don’t even know.” She just sniffled into his neck, and before she knew it, she was in the front seat with hot air blasting onto her face, and Ben was helping her take her gloves and jacket off. 

“So you drive a Camry,” she finally started, eager to put her overwhelming thoughts behind her. “Sensible. Definitely one of the higher end models.” 

“Oh, you noticed the back-up camera?” Ben chuckled, but his eyes didn’t leave the road. He had precious cargo in the front seat, and the street the cafe was on was always icy as hell. “Nah, this is my mom’s. But she’s the only one with winterized tires. My dad and I walk everywhere so we never really bother getting ours treated.” 

All he got in response was a sniffle and an “oh.” 

He relaxed in his seat when he turned off the side-street. He’d walked her home the night before, so he had a rough idea of where she lived. Well, he knew it was to the left. His hand left the steering wheel and settled on her knee apprehensively. He’d never really been in a situation like this before, so he didn’t know exactly how to respond. “Can I get you some breakfast?”

“I have to open,” Another sniffle. “and then I have to move the coat rack and call our accountant and finish my dissertation and bake cookies.” Now she was crying all over again, and the sound of it made Ben’s eyebrows knit together. 

“Rey, I’m sorry, but you’re taking a mental health day,” Ben sighed. “At least a mental health morning. You’re working yourself to _death_.” 

“Okay.” She didn’t bother protesting; she knew he was right. “But I don’t know how.” 

Ben couldn’t help but smile, which sent a shot of warmth through her body. She loved it when he smiled. 

“Well, baby, you’re with the expert now,” he turned to wink at her. “I’ve been taking a mental health decade. So I know that every great mental health day starts with blueberry pancakes.” He’d wanted to say chocolate chip pancakes, but that might have conjured images of what needed baking, and he knew he couldn’t handle hearing her cry again. “With an ungodly amount of strawberry syrup, because it’s important to be as disgusting as possible when you can.” 

She nodded in feverish agreement. “I very much like that idea.” 

—— 

By the time they’d finished eating, it was already 8am. They’d sat and had coffee for a while, discussing movies and art and everything that didn’t remind them of responsibilities. Rey had even managed to crack a joke or two, and he could tell that the swelling around her eyes was finally starting to fade away. He wanted to keep her like this, across from him in this tiny diner, trapped in the moment forever. She was perfect and fragile and sweet, so sweet. Even sweeter with so much bright red syrup stuck to her lips. 

“What’s step two of the perfect mental health day?” Rey asked, finally, interrupting Ben’s fantasy of an eternal breakfast date. In her defense, the diner had gotten awfully crowded. “I can’t really think of anything that would top breakfast.” 

“Step two,” Ben began, pausing to gulp down the rest of his coffee. “Is sleep. And a lot of it. Typically I’d recommend a hobby, but I’d venture to say you haven’t achieved a full eight hours in months, and that needs to be priority one.” 

“Wow,” Rey chuckled. She wanted to be offended, but she couldn’t muster the emotional energy. “Is it really that obvious?” 

“Only because we’re so similar,” he smiled, scooting out of the booth now. He held out his hand to help her do the same. “Seriously, all I want you to do when you get home is rest. Take a really warm bath or something.” 

“Please don’t leave,” she stared up at him, frowning. Her voice was so small, he wanted to crush her to him again, to comfort her or kiss her or tell her he’d take care of her for the rest of her life and never leave her alone again if she’d have him. “Just stay with me today.” She finally wrapped her fingers around his, and he pulled her up into a fleeting embrace. 

“Okay,” he murmured into her hair. “I won’t leave you.” 

They broke apart too quickly—neither were really ones for PDA—and made their way out. 

——

They really did sleep when they got to Rey’s apartment. She had a twin bed, so they had to press themselves into each other for any semblance of comfort, but the contact was tender, sweet, unassuming. Rey felt safe for the first time in twenty-four years, and Ben felt (despite slight guilt for writing so lasciviously about the fist time he was in her bedroom before now) like he belonged to someone, something, somewhere. It was heaven, even more so when they woke up tangled in each other. 

“Oh, sorry,” Rey murmured, apologizing for something that she’d either just dreamed or Ben had quickly forgotten. When she brought her hands up to rub the sleep out of her eyes, she accidentally made harsh contact with his jaw. “Oh. Sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” he murmured back. He realized very quickly that both of his arms were fast asleep, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment by tugging one of them out from under her. “You couldn’t hurt me if you wanted to. Too sweet.” 

After a few minutes of drifting in and out of sleep, Rey finally sat up to check the clock. It was still only 11 AM, but dark, puffy storm clouds had begun to crowd the sun outside, so her room seemed overcast, basking in a glow of mock twilight. 

“Thank you for this morning, Ben.” Her arms shot upwards into a stretch, and Ben thought she might be leaving him alone in what suddenly felt like a very big, very empty bed. But she nestled down beside him again and hid her face in his chest. 

“I guess you’re my boyfriend now.” She was grinning, and he could feel it against him. “I don’t make the rules, but I do adhere by them. Religiously.” 

“I guess I am,” He pulled her closer to him and pressed a kiss against the back of her head, reciprocating her grin. She could feel his, too. “Fair is fair.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for the fluff. It's necessary to solidify their relationship before everything comes crashing violently down in the next few chapters! 
> 
> Angst ahoy very soon, mateys. Love y'all. <3


	7. Axiology and You

Ben woke to the sound of voices. They were alternating between hushed and raised, irritated and concerned. He would have been annoyed by the interruption if not for the realization that Rey was no longer beside him. 

He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He wished he could do something similar to his ears so he could eavesdrop more effectively, but it seemed to him that he might have to depend on Rey’s transparency when she returned. Whatever was going on sounded important—she’d probably feel like talking about it, right? Despite having been dubbed her “boyfriend” a few hours prior, he really wasn’t sure if that was the case. 

Once his eyes were focused, he took inventory of Rey’s bedroom. It was…tiny. Perhaps “cozy” was a better descriptor. The first thing he noticed were the books, everywhere. They were stacked neatly, some more well-worn than others. _The Value of Values_. _Axiology and You_. _Kant on Value_. _Socratic Values_. He remembered enough from his undergrad years to speak eloquently on the topic, but he couldn’t fathom writing a dissertation on it—not even a term paper, really. He made a mental note to clarify whether Rey was researching for some deep universal truths, or if the topic was just of slight interest to her or her advisor. Then he noticed the binders. There were stacks of those, too, each with a class name scribbled in white ink on the top. He knew she was studious, but he’d never really registered that academia was her _life_. She’d talked at length about becoming a professor, inspiring young women around the world to think deeply about every facet of life. It really only made sense that her room would be a shrine to the study of the invisible motions that dictate choices and interactions. Ben was grinning again. He knew they disagreed on the more important things—he viewed humans as being inherently evil, motivated by power and strength. She thought there was light in everyone, everything. Something that could be tapped into in even the worst of humanity and harnessed for good. He supposed that was what attracted him to her in the first place. She was just so _good_, a perfect opposite to the swirling void of darkness that haunted his every waking thought. Perhaps that’s why it was so easy for her to permeate his consciousness and become the perfect obsession. An obsession that was his to own now, with much less scheming than he’d initially thought would be necessary. There were days when he’d squint at her and think the only way to really have her would be to snatch her up, take her away, hide her from any naysayers and _prove_ his love and dedication in any way necessary. He’d written out every scenario at length, right down to how different the sex might feel depending on how little she wanted it. He’d wanted her so badly, then, he could have justified anything. 

But having her willingly was so much more rewarding. 

He relaxed his back against the wall, taking in the smell of her comforter as he brought it up over his chest. Floral fabric softener, exactly what her clothes smelled like when they were freshly washed on Monday mornings. “Mine, mine, mine,” he whispered to himself, letting his mind conjure up images of the day he’d fallen in love with her. The first day. She’d been crying, her eyes were puffy, but they were so glassy and brown and encapsulating that the thought hadn’t bothered him. She’d given him slight attitude over his complicated drink order, which irritated him, but the moment their fingers touched around the paper coffee cup, he knew she was the one. 

At first, he’d thought she’d felt it, too. The electricity. But if that were the case, she didn’t make it known, turning on her heel to invite the next guest into her personal space. He still remembered how it felt when his brows furrowed, how it felt when he sat down and started trying to write about _space pirates_. She’d smelled exactly like this and hadn’t stopped permeating a single one of his thoughts since. 

The nature of his thoughts varied day by day. Today was a tender love kind of day—he wanted to marry her, call her Rey Solo, give her children, grow old with her. He supposed this overarching romantic theme was because this was an anniversary of sorts, the day she finally relented and let him in. He knew it wouldn’t be long after that kiss; he practically owned her then. And now that he really had her, he was never going to let her go. 

— 

He straightened up and pretended to be fiddling with his watch when she finally came back in. She cast him an apologetic look, and he shrugged, as if her absence hadn’t even really had time to register. She was gone again in an instant and back just as quickly, taking her rightful spot in the bed this time. 

“Sorry to leave you alone for so long,” Rey murmured, only half-jokingly. “My roommate needed to borrow some notes. Then he proceeded to hammer me for details about why I wasn’t at work, which took like… thirty minutes to explain.” 

Ben felt his body stiffen at the mention of a male roommate, but he didn’t let his disdain for the idea appear on his face. He knew she didn’t like outward displays of possession like that. She’d have to get used to it at some point, but today didn’t seem like the day. 

“So… how many people live in this apartment?” He asked, pointedly. He really wanted to know how many men lived there.

“Uh… three. Four, really, including Rose. But she’s fighting with Finn right now and actually sleeping at her place.” She rubbed at her eyes with her sleeve before continuing. “So really just me, Poe and Finn for now. Poe’s moving out in June, so we’ll be getting another roommate then.” 

Her eyes shot towards his face like tentative little daggers. He could tell she was daring him to say something about Poe, daring him to ruin the moment before it even began. So he didn’t, despite the rage that was boiling in his chest. 

“I never see either of them,” she continued, still studying his face for any betrayal of his real feelings. He knew she was testing his possessiveness. He _hated_ it. “But I can’t afford to live on my own, despite how absolutely gross they are in the kitchen and bathroom.” 

He faked a chuckle, and she seemed satisfied with this response. At least her body did. She finally let herself relax against him, and he snaked an arm around the small of her back and pulled her closer. 

“What time is it?” Rey yawned against his chest. “If I don’t get up soon, I won’t sleep tonight.” 

“It’s two,” Ben sighed, not bothering to hide his disappointment. She was right; they needed to part ways soon. He had a fake novel to get back to, after all. “Let me know when you want me to go, sweetheart. It won’t hurt my feelings.” The last part was an obvious lie, but he managed to convince her with a sweet little kiss against her temple. 

“Not yet,” she murmured. It didn’t take her long to drift back into a light sleep, and all Ben could do was study her dreaming face until he drifted back into his own. 

—

“You sure you have everything?” 

Ben felt Rey squeeze his hand at least three times harder than before. He wondered if she realized she was doing it. 

“Yep,” he nodded, motioning to his outfit. “This is really all I brought with me today. And my…” he trailed off and patted his back pocket. “Wallet, yeah. Got that, too.” 

Rey’s nose scrunched, and she loosened her grip on his hand. “I know I’m making you go, but I want you to stay. You know that, right?” 

“You’ve made that abundantly clear.” Ben grinned down at her. If she was his, then he was hers, after all. “I promise, my heart will go on. And I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

Rey nodded. This was the first time she’d ever truly been romantically involved with another human being, a fact that was becoming more painfully obvious with every second that they lingered in her kitchen. She didn’t want to say goodbye in fear of ruining it all. Hell, he could walk out now and never speak to— 

Her train of thought was cut off by a pair of soft, demanding lips on hers. This kiss was more aggressive—possessive, even—than the one they’d shared the night before. _Hungry,_ she noted, reciprocating the same level of energy with her own lips. It didn’t feel like he was getting ready to leave at all; it felt like he was preparing to stay for the rest of the night. She leaned back against the counter to steady herself. Her hands were exploring his arms, then his neck, then his hair, and his followed her lead on her own body. They finally pulled away from each other, breathing heavily, hands still tangled in the napes of each other’s necks. 

They were staring at each other intently, bodies pressed tightly together. Rey suddenly registered Ben’s excitement against her thigh, and the mere thought of it made her blush so hard she had to turn away. 

Something about that sheepish look drove him insane. He pulled her back in for another voracious kiss, relishing every second of her nervousness and hesitance. She was so innocent, so fucking sweet. Probably a virgin. His hands traveled down to the back of her thighs. She seemed to know exactly what that meant, and suddenly he was holding her up around his waist. They were both out of breath, and neither of them cared. They just wanted to be closer. 

It wasn’t until the kitchen door opened that Ben finally relinquished his grip on her. She fell about an inch to the counter, still out of breath, tinted chapstick all over her mouth. Her chest was heaving up and down and she could tell Ben was equally flustered, primarily due to the outline of his erection through his pants. He was also deeply annoyed. 

They both registered the cause of the interruption at the same time. It was Poe, holding an enormous bag of low-calorie popcorn with a raised eyebrow and an amused smirk. Ben wanted to kill him, but he was too fucking horny to think straight, so he just leaned against the counter instead. 

Poe was the first to speak, of course. “Damn, Rey. Bagged an older man,” he chuckled, pulling the refrigerator door open. “Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“He’s not old!” Rey protested. Her pink blush turned to scarlet. She was mortified, annoyed, and fairly turned on, despite the interruption. Though it was probably necessary. With the way that was progressing, they might have sealed the deal right there on the counter. She let out a sigh and leaned back. “Jesus. You’re the same age.” 

“Yeah,” Poe was still smirking, still tossing bits of popcorn in his mouth. “And I’m old. You know Ben’s an old friend, right? Do I need to warn him about how you hog all the hot water in the mornings?” 

_Old friend._ That was one way to put it, Ben decided. He was glad Poe had walked in—it was one good way to stake his claim on Rey, after all. He might have found the man charming if they’d never met. Dangerous, even. But Rey clearly didn’t want anything to do with him outside of their close friendship, and Ben had to accept that for now. 

“I gotta go, baby,” Ben’s voice was low and husky as he turned to Rey, pulling her into one last kiss before she could even acknowledge Poe. He knew she was frowning as he made his way out of their apartment and towards his car, but he didn’t care. Always leave them wanting more, right? 

When Poe was sure that Ben was out of earshot, he let out a long, exasperated sigh. “I’ve gotten bad vibes from that guy before, but now I’m getting dangerous ones.” 

“He’s fine,” Rey’s nose scrunched up. “I get the feeling that you guys don’t really like each other.” 

“Oh?” Poe’s eyes darkened. “Did he say anything about me?” 

“Well,” Rey continued, wondering if she should even bother saying anything. “I don’t think he loves how touchy feely you are. But we’re working on that. It’s fine.” She hopped off of the counter and yanked the bag of popcorn out of Poe’s hands. He was too upset to notice. 

“I don’t think he’s safe to be around. Even his parents think he’s unhinged,” Poe sighed. He brought his now empty arms to his chest and folded them, like he was scolding a child. “You’re an adult. I’ll let you… do the adult things. But if you get weird vibes, you need to cut it off immediately. And call me when you do it so I can protect you.” 

Rey just blinked up at him. She didn’t know where any of this was coming from. In fact, Poe had even encouraged her to pursue a relationship, something about self esteem and “good practice.” Maybe he didn’t like that she was serious about someone? There was no way the Ben Solo that came to her rescue mid-panic attack, told her he was proud of her for _breathing_, held her so tightly and made her feel so safe could be the creep that Poe was making him out to be. The only red flag she’d even noted at this point was the possessive outburst he’d had the night before, but she’d already written that off as a one time offense. Shit, he didn’t even flinch when she told him she lived with two men. A possessive creep would have flinched. Right? 

“Why do they think he’s unhinged?” She finally asked, her voice small. Poe just shook his head. 

“Anger issues. Big ones. Like… he beat someone to a bloody pulp after graduation because they said something about his nose. Not his first violent offense, either. Don’t think it’s his last,” Poe couldn’t find anything worthwhile in the fridge, so he shut it with another sigh. “That’s why he can’t get a job. Can’t pass a background check. Can’t even join the military despite having a general as a mother. If his parents weren’t rich as hell, I’m pretty sure he’d be in prison.” 

“His parents aren’t rich,” Rey frowned. That wasn’t the only thing she’d extrapolated from Poe’s little blurb, but she couldn’t bear to process the rest of that until she was alone in her room. “They can’t be. His mom drives a Camry.” 

“Just a sensible woman. They’re fucking millionaires.” Poe had grown bored of the conversation, and Rey could tell. “I would schedule an intervention for you right now, but I know he’s been in therapy for ten years. He’s probably worked through all that shit now. His mom told me he’s doing really well, especially lately. And hell,” he shrugged. “Maybe he’ll be a great boyfriend. He’s never like…beat up a woman or anything. And his parents are really great, they’ll love you. But I’m definitely not touching you in front of him ever again. I like the way my face is oriented now.” 

He left the room without another word. Rey was glad of it. Her heart was beating so hard against her ribcage that she was almost too distracted to breathe, and she felt the panic from before spreading through her body like some kind of aggressive pathogen. 

She took in a deep breath and made her way towards her bedroom, absently dropping bits of popcorn behind her from the slightly tilted bag. 

On one hand, she was pretty sure she could fall in love with Ben Solo. Easily. Poe had a tendency to exaggerate, so she couldn’t make a decision on whether or not she’d like to continue the relationship until she heard the truth from Ben himself, anyway. On the other hand, this was a major red flag, and she’d already ignored another one. She wasn’t sure if she was going insane or not, already making excuses for the past of a man she barely knew. Maybe she was. 

_ Okay. Good plan. Talk to Ben about how he once liked to beat people up, work through it, get a written guarantee that he will never rearrange Poe’s face, and then we can get back to kissing. No sweat. No problem. I'm perfectly sane._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... things are starting to heat up a bit now. 
> 
> Love y'all, as always. <3 Thank you so much for all of the support on this story. I'm so glad we're in a position to make things interesting now!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn is a bad influence on an impressionable Rey. Leia and Han are nosy parents. Ben is a lot more nefarious than he seems. And Rey is like putty in Ben's (apparently very capable) hands.

“I mean, that’s basically all I know. I haven’t talked to Ben yet.” 

Rey was laying flat on her back on her balcony, splayed out like a starfish. It was freezing, as usual, but her nose and cheeks had been numb for so long at that point that she couldn’t really register the cold anymore. Her eyes were fixed on the sky, working out the constellations she’d memorized as a child. Her brain might as well have been up there with the stars. 

Finn was saying something—probably some sagely advice—but it took Rey a moment to actually focus in on his words. “I mean, that’s what I would do.” 

“Sorry,” she frowned, shaking her head a bit. She tore her gaze from the sky and fixed it on her best friend, who was sitting with his legs criss-crossed beside her. “What would you do? I zoned.” 

“I said that if you really like him, you should let him bring it up. Besides, you know Poe,” Finn was rolling his eyes. Rey didn’t know if it was from repeating himself or if the thought of Poe really elicited that sort of response in him. “He exaggerates. I’m sure he’s jealous, anyway. He told Rose I was in love with you when we first started dating.” 

Rey couldn’t help but snort at the idea. The energy between her and Finn had been nothing short of platonic since they’d met in their undergraduate years; to suggest anything otherwise was just… dishonest. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s just pissed that he couldn’t bed either of you. Probably hurt his ego,” Finn continued. He was staring up at the sky now, too. “So what if your boyfriend beat someone up a decade ago? God, if Rose knew the cringy shit I got up to in my early twenties she would have never agreed to be my lab partner.” 

“Very, very true,” Rey hummed. Something like offense spread across Finn’s cheeks, but he didn’t say anything. “I just wanted this to be easy. Effortless. But it’s me we’re talking about, nothing will ever just be easy.” 

Finn stretched out his legs and laid down beside her. “Too much light pollution,” he grumbled. “Can’t see shit.” 

They spent a few minutes pointing out star formations to each other. Hydrus, Pisces, Tucana. Finn hated Hydrus for some reason—apparently looking for triangles in the sky was just lazy. Rey didn’t have an opinion, but agreed with him anyways to avoid an hour-long conversation on the matter. 

She felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Finn must have heard it, too, because he stopped talking about the far superior Tucana mid-sentence and chuckled. “Who could possibly be texting you at this late hour?” She propped herself up on her elbows and fished the phone out of her sweatpants. She’d tucked it in the band hours before, but it had since fallen deeper into the fabric. She blushed when she saw the screen, and handed her phone to Finn before she even punched her code in. Thoughts of their rendezvous in the kitchen were clouding the front of her brain, how quickly she’d come undone and how quickly he’d left when they were interrupted. “You read it. I’m too nervous.” 

“You got it,” Finn cleared his throat, punching in her passcode like it was his own cell phone. He was clearly excited by the opportunity to be nosy. “‘_Hey, Rey. Made it home. You free on Saturday? We can pick up where we left off. Dinner first, of course._’ And he added a winky face at the end. What a gentleman.” 

Rey exhaled slowly. She’d be lying if she said there weren’t a million butterflies fluttering around in her stomach, but for some reason she felt she needed to keep her cool in front of Finn. “Say something witty back. Like, something about reading his novel first. I dunno. And let me proof it so he doesn’t accidentally dirty talk my best friend, I think he’s easily excitable.” 

“He should be so lucky,” Finn grumbled half-heartedly. “Not…so…fast, Ben Solo,” he spoke in time with his typing. “I’m a proper lady. I don’t go past second base until I get to read a man’s novel.” 

“No, no. That’s really stupid,” Rey frowned for the hundredth time that night. She snatched her phone away from him when she noticed Finn press send anyway. “Fuck, Finn! I told you to let me proof it. That doesn’t even sound like me.” 

Her eyes widened when she saw Ben’s response. _I think you’ll change your tune when you find out how good my fingers feel._

“Okay, I’m going to bed.” She clamored to her feet before Finn could peek over her shoulder, throwing the balcony door open with a loud thwack. Finn was still laying on the ground, blinking up at her stupidly. 

“Uhh, same time tomorrow?” He asked, one eyebrow raised. “I’ll expect some more details then.” 

Rey just nodded. She couldn’t have argued with him if she wanted to. 

— 

It was Saturday before Rey knew it. The day off had done wonders for her productivity. She’d been working tirelessly since her “mental health day,” trying to make the accountant, fire marshal, and her advisor happy, in that order. She still hadn’t baked any cookies. 

Ben hadn’t come in since their date on Tuesday, but they’d been texting endlessly, and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t glad of his absence. She couldn’t really afford the distractions right now. And Ben was nothing if not a big, beautiful distraction. They’d been so busy that she’d had to text Finn to come in for back-up. He was taking orders, she was fulfilling them. If she’d had a second to breathe since she came in, she would have told him they were a dream team. “Two black coffees, one pretzel!” Rey called over the counter. 

An older couple approached her. The woman was beautiful, in a rustic sort of way. Her face was stern and unforgiving, but her hair was pulled back into an elegant braided bun that didn’t seem to match. The man seemed like he’d been somewhat of a scoundrel in his youth, still with fire in his eyes. He was also incredibly handsome. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d seen them before, somewhere. 

“Thank you, ma’am,” the man grunted, greedily swiping the pretzel away from her. His companion sighed impatiently and grabbed the coffees, not even flinching at the heat emanating from the cups. Rey couldn’t help but smile—they seemed so mismatched, yet here they were, perfectly complementary. The man continued speaking through a big bite of pretzel. “Do you know who we are?” 

“I’m so sorry,” Rey’s smile fell a bit as she failed to place the couple in her memory. “We have so many customers, it can be difficult to keep track. You do look familiar, though, if that helps soften the blow.” 

The woman’s face had gone from severe to worse after the exchange, and she shifted to stomp on her husband’s foot. Apparently that was all it took to get him to shut up. 

“Well, I appreciate your time, Miss Rey. We must be going now,” the woman nodded at her. Rey instinctively looked down at her chest—she knew she wasn’t wearing her name tag, how could they have known her name? Maybe they really had met before. She felt even more guilty then. 

“Have a wonderful day, miss…?” 

“Leia. Leia Organa. And this doofus is my husband, Han.” Leia grabbed Han’s hand and tugged him away from the counter before he could effectively blow their cover. “I’m sure you’ll be seeing more of us.” 

Rey blinked at them as they made their way out. _That was weird_, she thought, but it was time to move onto the next order. 

—

Finn and Rey were both exhausted by the time Ben arrived to pick her up. Rey was sprawled out on the couch, snoring lightly, and Finn was laying on the floor beside her, squinting at some game on her phone. Ben and Finn both seemed equally surprised to see each other—Finn because he wasn’t expecting him for another thirty minutes (and was supposed to be serving as a lookout/alarm clock for the napping Rey), and Ben because he genuinely had no idea who Finn was. 

“Uhh…” Ben started, but Finn interrupted him. 

“Please don’t wake her up,” Finn begged, whispering harshly. “She’ll kill me if she realizes I wasn’t paying attention to the door. Just… just go back outside. Count to thirty, then come back in,” He threw a hand up, dismissing an extremely confused Ben before he could open his mouth in protest. “Shhhh. Don’t let the bells ring.” 

Ben was a bit too taken aback to do anything but obey. 

He counted to forty-five for good measure, then made his way back in. Rey was no longer on the couch. In fact, she was no longer in the common area at all. Ben noted the sound of movement in the office before directing his attention on the man that had just shooed him out so carelessly. 

“I take it you’re Finn?” He asked, arms crossed. 

Finn nodded. “Rose’s boyfriend, Rey’s best friend. I’m sure a double date will be in order eventually, once you two get the hang of single dates.” He was still staring down at Rey’s phone. “Don’t be nervous. I’m under strict orders not to scare you away.” 

“I’m not nervous,” Ben sighed, letting his arms uncross and dangle by his sides. This wasn’t the introduction he was expecting. “You’re roommates, too, right?” 

Finn nodded again, still entranced by the phone. Ben didn’t feel the pang of jealousy he’d felt before—if anything, Finn had neutralized himself as a threat the moment Ben walked into the store. And the Poe problem would be solving itself in a few months, too. _This is good_, Ben decided, now silently waiting for Rey to emerge from hiding. 

“I would just go in there, if I were you,” Finn chuckled after a few awkward minutes. “Otherwise you’ll be standing here for an hour. And I don’t have that much conversation in me.” 

Ben didn’t need much more convincing. He was at the office door within seconds, knocking tentatively at first, then a bit more confidently. “Ugh. Just come in,” Rey sighed through the door. He obliged, studying her body with the same feverish intensity as the first time they’d met. She was just wearing jeans and a sweater this time, no dress, but the jeans left less to the imagination than her dress had on the first date.

“Jesus, Ben,” she frowned. She shut the door behind him, effectively knocking him out of his daydream. “At least try to keep it together until we leave.” 

“No promises.” 

Ben only watched her fiddle with a mascara wand for a few moments before his eyes started trailing around the office. He’d written about this space, too. He’d mostly gotten it right. One big desk, three big chairs, each covered in blankets. It smelled like old books and coffee beans, and there were post-it notes stuck everywhere. One in particular read “If you move that fucking coat rack again I’m going to burn it. Xoxo, Rey,” and another, in very different handwriting, said “Don’t make me tell you where you can shove it. Xoxo, Rose.” This seemed to be how they communicated. 

His eyes trailed from the table to the walls. There wasn’t much in the way of decoration, but it still felt like more of a home than an office. There were even Christmas lights strung up around the ceiling. 

“Okay, I’m ready,” Rey said, finally rising from behind the desk. She was wearing enough makeup for him to notice, but not enough to hide the ever-present blush on her cheeks. “Sorry for the wait.” 

“I don’t mind,” Ben was smirking. He still hadn’t gotten up—he was leaning back in his chair, head propped against his hands behind him. “I could spend the rest of the night in here with you, waiting. It wouldn’t bother me a bit.” 

She turned her head so he couldn’t study her reaction. She knew he wasn’t lying. 

“Besides, I need to talk to you about something,” he continued, a bit less confidently than before. “Mostly what I’m sure my _old friend_ has already told you.” 

“Oh, what?” She was feigning ignorance. It was painfully obvious. “I haven’t talked to Poe about you at all.” 

“Right,” Ben’s smirk was gone now, replaced with something reminiscent of a scowl. “I’ve had some issues in the past. But they’re behind me now, okay? Listen…” He stood up now, and she was painfully aware of how large he was, even across the desk. “Nothing matters to me but you. Does that make sense? I don’t want to come on too strong, believe me, but I want you to know I’d never hurt you. Or anyone close to you.” He brought his fingers to his temples. “Or anyone at all.” 

“I believe you,” she whispered back. He was staring at the wall above her. She couldn’t believe how intense he’d gotten, and so quickly, like there was an entirely different person in front of her then. She cleared her throat, continuing with a normal speaking voice. She was trying to be soft; she could tell how frustrated he was with himself. “Listen, I don’t take him seriously. And even if you beat a few people up a decade ago…” she was trying to remember Finn’s exact verbiage. He’d dismissed the fact so effortlessly, even she felt calm about it afterwards. “That’s really not my business.”

Ben raised an eyebrow, finally fixing his gaze on Rey. Was that all Poe knew? Was that all he’d said? He wasn’t going to press the issue. Hell, he wasn’t even going to continue the conversation now. He walked around the desk, watching Rey like prey. She couldn’t help but take a few steps backwards, until her back met the wall. He closed in on her quickly, his hands occupying the space under her arms so she was effectively trapped. 

“So you’re not afraid of me, then?” His breath was hot in her ear, and she fought the chill running down her spine from the contact. She shook her head. 

“Good.” He grinned against her earlobe, then kissed it. He let his kisses trail from there to the bottom of her neck, then back up again. One of his hands was already supporting the small of her back, which she was thankful for—she might have collapsed against the wall otherwise. After a few agonizing seconds of no contact, his lips were on hers, and they were fighting each other for control of the situation.

It took a minute, but Rey finally broke away from him. “Dinner first,” she murmured breathlessly into his neck. She couldn’t believe she’d ever been worried—no one who kissed her like that could possibly be a danger to her. She knew that. And he’d brought it up without provocation; he clearly wasn’t hiding anything from her. She turned to the door. “And I think I’ve earned at least a chapter or two at this point. I’ve been patient.” 

Ben wasn’t nervous about the novel anymore—he’d spent the last few days working, pretty tirelessly, to get something reminiscent of a space pirate book into existence. He could at least give her a chapter. It might suck, but she’d love it all the same. He knew that. “I think you’re right. If you’re a very, very good girl tonight, you’ll get a present in your email.” 

“What happens if I’m a very, very bad girl tonight?” She was facing him again, challenging him with her tone and body language. 

He fucking loved it. “I know you’ll be good. You always are.” 

“Hmph.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS TO UNPACK HERE 
> 
> I really can't stop writing this. Send help. And comments. Your feedback gives me life.


	9. Chapter 9

The date went well. 

Well enough that Rey Kanata, despite every inch of her consciousness screaming at her to go home, be responsible, work on her fucking dissertation, found herself in Benjamin Solo’s bed. 

His room was as tidy and well-kept as his appearance. It was sleek and almost uncomfortable, but the intoxicating smell of _him_ made it feel like she was right at home. He’d done an awkward job explaining that his parents weren’t home that weekend, wouldn’t be for a while; something about his mom… duty? Not active duty, but something like that. And his dad—traveling. They’d left a few hours ago, right? She’d been so excited by the prospect of having somewhere to be truly _alone_ with him that she hadn’t really paid much attention. 

She was toeing the line between tipsy and drunk, nauseated and excited, giddy and nervous. His hand was resting on her stomach. She wasn’t sure when her shirt came off, but his hand felt so warm and possessive that it made her cheeks turn a special shade of scarlet. His shirt was off, too. They were tangled in each other, kissing, exploring, passively dismissing the sounds coming from the television on his dresser. When his fingers started dancing around her waistband, she was angry at the lack of distraction on his walls. Shouldn’t he at least have some posters up? 

Her eyes paused on the television. Whatever weird documentary was playing on Netflix was of no real interest to her, so she closed her eyes instead, dizzily replaying the events of the night.

—

“Don’t go breaking my heaaaaart…” he’d whispered into her ear, just in time with the music. She felt like she was there all over again. They were sitting at the bar, whispering stupid secrets to each other when the song came on. 

She was tipsy enough at this point to sing an extremely off-key, “I couldn’t if I tried” back at him. She could tell he’d registered this as a promise, not a simple recitation of lyrics, by the way he’d grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her to him, claiming her lips as his own in front of everyone there. At least that’s what it felt like at the time. In reality, no one had noticed the two awkward adults fumbling with each other’s mouths at the bar. Well, no one but the bouncer. 

He’d slammed his hands down next to Ben on the counter. They were both so shocked that they broke apart, Rey more sheepish, and Ben with a sort of homicidal glint in his eye. She’d only seen that once before, the day Poe had touched her. It couldn’t have been more than a week ago, but it felt like years had passed since the first night they’d kissed. With the way he’d occupied her thoughts and dreams, she might has well have loved him for a lifetime since. 

“The next time, you’ll be out on your ass,” the bouncer growled, but not at both of them. Just Ben. Maybe he thought that Ben was bothering her, preying on her. There was clearly an age difference between the two. The thought of it made Rey laugh, loudly and shrilly enough for Ben and the bouncer to lose eye contact with one another. If anything, she felt like the predator in this situation, convincing Ben to drink so much that he felt brazen enough to kiss her in a public place. It was the first time either of them had experienced “fun” in a while. It would be worth the headache, she’d promised. Then she was making the same promise to herself as she downed the rest of her beer. 

The sudden onslaught of carbonation made her hiccup. 

Ben’s eyes had widened, and they’d both chuckled so hard that it made Ben hiccup, too. Then he frowned down at her. “I’m drunk.”

“Hi, drunk. I’m Rey. Come here often?” 

They hiccuped again, this time in unison. Then there was more laughter, and Ben was chugging the rest of his beer, too. 

He slapped forty dollars down on the bar. He didn’t actually know if it would be enough, they’d had so much to drink. But it was all he had in his pocket, and the bartender seemed eager enough to get rid of them that he didn’t mind. Another couple quickly occupied their stools, falling into their own rhythm of inside jokes. It made Rey smile, but Ben was singing again now, twirling her around. 

“You’re just too good to be trueeeee,” he sang, this time intentionally off-key. Neither of them could sing well; there was no reason to have any sort of pretension about it. They were spilling out into the busy sidewalk. “Can’t take my eyes off of youuuu.” 

The music was even blasting outside of the bar, and Ben’s gaze was so intensely fixed on her that Rey thought for a moment that they might have faded into the lyrics. But there were no more lyrics. Just extremely aggressive saxophone, ringing harshly in her ears while Ben pulled her to their next destination. 

_ I love you, baby. _

—

His fingers were exploring the area between her legs with feverish confidence when she broke out of the past and back into the present. Back into reality. Her eyes fluttered open and fixed themselves to the ceiling, and she found herself moaning, mostly involuntarily. He’d hidden his face in his neck when she started making those little, tiny, intoxicating noises. He wanted to pretend it was to leave feverish kisses pressed against her throat, but really they were both new to this, and he needed to hide his flushing cheeks. They were both fumbling. Both awkward. They always had been, but now things seemed more real. He was no longer the confident man he’d written himself as; he was once again a thirty-three year old virgin _creep_ with the most beautiful woman in the world under him. He felt like he’d been waiting for this moment his entire life. 

He straddled her, careful to adjust his knees so they’d take the brunt of his weight. Two fingers inside her, now. She was so tight, so beautiful, he was worried he might explode in his pants if there was any friction against his already full-to-bursting erection. He leaned forward, nibbling at her collarbone, tracing his teeth down to the lace that was covering what he was sure was the perkiest set of tits on Earth. Her little moans had gotten louder now, emboldening him enough to lean forward and let her feel his erection against her thigh, tentatively. He was supporting all of his weight on a single elbow, and he almost lost his balance when he felt her gyrate against him. He knew he couldn’t keep this up, he knew he couldn’t risk giving her all of himself tonight. He’d come undone before he was all the way in on the first thrust. He _knew_ this. 

He also knew, somewhere deep down, that she wouldn’t mind. That it might even flatter her if he lost his composure in her entrance. His fingers had stopped completely as he got lost in thought. And so had her moaning, which was the only reason he even noticed. 

“Am I doing something wrong?” She asked with that perfect, typical frown. She had such low self-esteem. Ben knew it was wrong, but he loved that about her. Loved that it made her need him all the more. He knew he couldn’t resist the part of his brain that wanted to manipulate it and exploit it forever, but he could at least keep it at bay tonight. 

For now he just shook his head, breathlessly continuing his exploration of her with a tiny grin against her chest. “I just can’t believe how lucky I am.” 

— 

“Finn still has my phone,” Rey sighed when she realized it. They were trying to Uber back, then. They’d only been out of the bar for thirty minutes at this point, but their feet had somehow brought them to the place that they’d first kissed. The display was still the same, which shouldn’t have come as a shock to either of them. It hadn’t been very long at all. 

“Wanna go get it?” Ben had already pulled the app open, grimacing when he noticed the Surge prices. He hoped he still had his mom’s credit card info saved in there. There really wasn’t enough in his own account to cover this kind of thing. “I can add a stop.” 

“I’ll just grab it in the morning.” She was pulling him to her, impatiently whispering into his lips. She felt some sense of nagging regret building in the back of her brain already, but she chalked it up to being drunk. “I need to get back to your house as soon as possible.” 

“You’re just using me for my SleepNumber bed,” he chuckled back into her lips. He pressed his against hers, and they were lost again, but only for a few seconds this time. “I like your mattress more, believe it or not. Maybe we should just go there.” 

“No,” she shot back, almost too eagerly, breaking away from all of their intimacy in one turn of her body. “It has to be your house.” 

She didn’t want to say it, but he could feel it. She didn’t want interruptions, not even the impression of interruptions. She wanted him, all of him, and the feeling made his heart drop in excitement. 

“Message received, princess,” he beamed down at her. Fuck. His chest was swelling with pride, then. “Our carriage is just three minutes away.” 

— 

“You have condoms, right?” Rey breathed into his ear. They hadn’t progressed beyond fingering, but they both knew where it was going. Or, more appropriately, where it had potential to end up. 

“No.” His honestly almost felt like a relief to her (no condoms, no other women, right?), but that felt more like a slap to her face when his fingers retreated from her. “Which means we should stop.”

“Isn’t there a store, like… right next door?” Rey was sighing, begging. 

He felt himself sigh as she continued. He knew he couldn’t say no, but he was so fucking horny and it was so fucking cold outside. He would settle for a hand job. Shit, even dry humping. That was better than walking to the general store his parents frequented to buy condoms with a raging hard-on. 

“Please? Tonight was so perfect. I need it to be _tonight_, if you’ll have me.” 

His dick twitched at her earnest begging, and suddenly he was off of her, pulling his sweatpants on in the same motion. 

“I will be back in FIFTEEN MINUTES,” he grumbled as he pulled his shirt on. She couldn’t help but grin. Even that made it worth it to him. 

“Thank you, Ben Solo.” 

— 

When she heard the front door close, she got up out of his bed, eager to explore the room. Figure out who Ben Solo was, when he wasn’t vexing her at her coffee shop. 

It didn’t take long for the wicked thought to play out in her mind. She was alone, in his bedroom, and his laptop screen was the first thing her eyes landed on. He said fifteen minutes, right? She could get through a few pages of that stupid fucking space pirate novel in that amount of time. He’d have to forgive her for the snooping later. Plus he was stupid enough to have a sticky note with his password pinned to his cork board. She wasn’t going to go through his social media, none of his emails, no messages. In fact, he’d probably thank her for this intrusion of privacy, because it would break the ice and they’d be able to talk about his passions more freely. 

At least that’s what her emboldened, drunk mind was trying to tell her. 

Her hands were so shaky with excitement that she keyed the password in wrong, twice. But she finally got it right the third time, misinterpreting this fact as a “thumbs up girl, go ahead” from the universe itself. 

His desktop was empty, save a few of the usual icons. Google Chrome, Microsoft Word. She checked Word first, but it was empty, and he didn’t even have a proper Office365 subscription. 

And that’s when she remembered that he did his writing in the browser. She sighed, wondering if that was an option worth pursuing. She didn’t want to stumble on some weird porn that she’d doubtlessly compare herself to when he finally came back with the condoms. Her fingers were acting on their own accord, though, and his windows restored perfectly from the last time he’d closed his laptop. 

_No porn,_ she thought, relieved. Her eyes squinted down at the tabs. One was called “Space Pirate Bullshit,” and the other was called “The Girl in the Coffee Shop.” 

She was far too curious by the latter to ignore it. But God, she wished she had. _ Five hundred thousand words?_

She clicked a tab on the left that said Table of Contents. There were at least sixty chapters to this, all categorized under very… graphic, leading subheadings. _ When Kylo Ren Met Rey, Rey Submits to Kylo Ren._ Her hands were shaking for a different reason, then. She was no fool. She knew what this was. She wanted to stop, but her eyes kept going through the list. _ Kylo Ren Beats the FUCK Out of Poe Dameron_. There were a number of entries under this subheading, too. It was like a big compilation of one-shots, all dedicated to her. _Rey Kanata, Property of Kylo Ren._

Her heart stopped, but her fingers kept going. She clicked on one of the chapters under “Rey Submits to Kylo Ren” eyes widening when she realized he was writing about fucking her. In her fucking coffee shop, in such accurate detail that she could probably justify a fucking restraining order from it. Her fingers kept scrolling, her eyes kept scanning the words. It became more and more damning as she continued. It was clear that Kylo Ren was Ben’s much, much more confident, more experienced… even kinky, she’d frowned when she realized, alter ego. Even realizing that he had an alter ego was enough to make her want to go running. It dawned on her that his is what he was doing all day in the coffee shop. Obsessing over her. Obsessing over having her, owning her. 

And here she was, sitting in his office chair with no shirt on like a fucking lamb on a silver platter for the hungry wolf. 

She didn’t bother closing the window. She was shaking too hard to think. Her first thought was that she needed to find her shirt, quickly, but it wasn’t an absolute necessity. She had to get out of there before he got back. She had to get out of there. She had to go. 

Her shirt was on her in an instant, and she was clumsily fiddling with the laces on her boots when she realized the pounding in her chest and adrenaline in her body had prevented her from even registering that he’d gotten back. That he was staring down at her, putting together the very obvious pieces of the puzzle, eyes darting from his laptop to her trembling fingers. 

“Oh, fuck, Rey,” he frowned, bringing his fingers up to his temples. He looked like he was about to buckle to his knees. “Rey, why did you do that?” 

She was just blinking up at him, frozen in the instance of making bunny ears with her laces. 

“Rey, baby, I swear to God that’s behind me now. I swear. I swear to God.” He was angry, she could tell, but only at himself. She got the feeling that he never thought he’d be having this conversation. “I was going to delete it. I swear to God. It was just a stupid fantasy, that’s why I couldn’t use my real fucking name. Oh my God. Tell me you believe me.” 

“Ben, please,” she was staring up at him with tears in her eyes. “I promise, I’ll call you later.” She was lying. She hoped it wasn’t obvious, but she knew it had to be. “I just have to process it, okay? You have to let me leave.” 

He slammed the door behind him so hard that it made her jump. He was picking her up after two great strides in her direction. “I can’t let you go until you know I won’t hurt you,” he breathed. He was the one begging now. “Fuck. I swear I’d never hurt you. I swear it was just… an alternative to porn. I don’t know. Oh my God, Rey, I’m so sorry.” 

He was crying so hard, pressing their noses together, and she was crying too. She couldn’t even tell whose tears were whose, confused by what seemed like a new, foreign taste of salt breaking through her lips. 

“Ben, you have to let me leave,” she was whispering to him, trying to calm both of them down. Having him this riled up wouldn’t bode well for either of them. “I have to go. Okay? I promise, I’ll call you.” 

“You’re lying.” He stepped back to look at her. Really, really look at her. He seemed to know her so well that it made her uncomfortable. She suddenly realized she had no idea who this man was. 

“Rey, I love you. I love you so much. Please don’t end this, please don’t leave me.” He sighed so hard that he nearly choked. “Just…let me explain this, give me a chance. I promise, it’s not as bad as it looks. I promise I’m not crazy or insane. _I’d never hurt you._”

She ducked out from under his arm and made her way for the exit, relieved beyond measure when she realized he wasn’t following her. She picked up her pace when she heard a series of loud “FUCK”s and what was obviously a punch to the wall. He must have broken through the drywall, she thought, but she was out of the front door now. 

Her brain was empty until she made it to her door, unlocked it with the same, trembling hands, and collapsed against it on the other side after dead-bolting it shut. Her chest was heaving. She believed him when he said he wouldn’t hurt her, but she was still surprised that he hadn’t tried chasing after her. The level of his obsession had dawned on her when she collapsed, it was weighing on her so heavily that she couldn’t stand up. She thought he just had a little schoolboy crush on her, but no. It was full-blown obsession. What was worse than obsession? 

He was consumed by her, and she couldn’t reciprocate that. No one could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've ripped off the bandaid, and now the fun can really begin! 
> 
> Stick with me! I promise the ride will be worth it. 0:-)


	10. Mental health and all that entails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: very in-depth discussions of mental health, also vomit in the beginning 
> 
> Mostly internal reflections and a peek into the motivations of our dear protagonists, and why they might have had such an immediate connection. They're both broken in their own ways. 
> 
> And Finn is a good friend.

Ben woke the next day with a splitting headache. He knew it was coming, but the feeling was still jarring. The hangover was compounded by how hard he must have cried. There was an unmistakable burning in his eyes, one he hadn’t felt since he was 17 and the family dog died. His palms soared up to work the briny deposits of crusted tears from his eyes; he’d need his full visual capacity to figure out where he’d thrown his phone last night. 

As soon as his feet hit the carpet, he was overwhelmed by the need to vomit. He had no idea where it came from, or even if it was a result of emotional or alcohol-related stress on his digestive system. 

In a blink, he was hovering over the toilet. Every retch brought more tears. More stress. A more overwhelming tightness in the cavity where his heart might have been before last night. He wasn’t sure when he passed out that night, but now he wished he’d died instead. He was hiccuping, sobbing, and puking, all at the same time. It was torture. “Penance,” he managed to whisper into the chamber before the next round of vomit struck him. His fingers shook as he gripped the sides for balance. _I fucked up._

Flashes of memory hit him. Rey, running away like he was a psychopath. Punching a hole in his bedroom wall. No, two holes, he realized, eyes finally making contact with his scabbed knuckles. He supposed that was why his hand was throbbing so badly. The worst mistake of all was downing Han’s horrible, cheap brandy, the kind his father kept in an expensive bottle to trick guests and maybe himself. Ben just wanted to pass out again, escape the reality that his stupidest, most embarrassing, most polarizing secret was found out so… unceremoniously. And of course he’d responded to her discovery so rashly, screaming that he wasn’t going to hurt her and declaring his love. Justifying himself like she’d found a dead body under his bed. 

Maybe it was the same thing. 

When he was sure he was done, he let his body fall back against the cool marble tile. The contact against his temple soothed one side of the pounding headache, but the other raged on, even worse than when he was crouched over the toilet bowl. He needed to call his mom. Someone. He needed to see his therapist. But it was fucking Sunday, the one day that he couldn’t get in touch with any of them. His only other support component—if you could call her that—definitely thought he was a complete and utter creep. So instead, he brought his knees to his chest and sobbed again, tearlessly. After a while, his eyes fluttered shut, and his brain began to torture him with vivid memories of the last time he’d felt this horrible. 

He was suddenly 23 again, a fresh college graduate sitting in a bar, playing Go Fish with a former friend. Ben had wanted to play something else, but Hux was drunk and had insisted that he _only_ knew Go Fish. 

“Sevens?” Ben blinked, attempting something like a poker face. The redhead across from him shook his head. 

“Go fish.” 

“Bullshit.” He huffed and pulled another card from the stack. Of course it didn’t match. That pissed him off for some reason, starting an unavoidable and life-changing chain reaction. 

They only frequented this bar because Hux had a crush on the bartender. Phasma, that was her name. She was tall and blonde, an obvious mismatch for the scrawny little ginger man that ogled her so thoughtfully. Though for some reason, they fit. Maybe Hux had just really convinced Ben that it could work. 

Ben already had two assault related priors at this point. He was on probation. He shouldn’t have even been there; he had a state-mandated curfew of 10:00 PM. But he’d just graduated. He could justify it to his probation officer as a celebration pretty easily. He was sure the foreboding woman had even tried to convince him to do so, off the record. Officer Bazine was fairly no-nonsense, but she trusted Ben to keep his shit together for one night. 

She shouldn’t have. 

“Gotta break the seal,” Ben suddenly announced. He was scooting clumsily away from the table, and his chair made contact with a woman behind him. She was staring daggers down at him, saying something along the lines of “watch yourself, you disgusting jackass.” It was something along those lines—she might have even used the word “ugly.” His brain was too foggy to register it. 

“Bitch,” he’d muttered under his breath in response. Hitting her with his chair was an honest mistake, one that he hadn’t even gotten a chance to apologize for. And why was she behind him, anyway? There was plenty of room to linger elsewhere. She and her friends didn’t need to stand in the corner that he and Hux had claimed hours ago. 

“What did you say?” 

“Nothing.” Ben knew he needed to drop it. He also had to piss, so bad. So he made his way to the bathroom and did just that. 

When he came back, there was a big, muscular guy in his seat, arms crossed. The girl from before had her arms crossed, too. Ben could tell that the guy was military and the woman was… university. The two worlds often collided in this weird, divided city. 

He should have just walked out, smoked a cigarette, made himself scarce until they got tired of waiting and gave up. But there was a burning, empty, aching sensation in his chest at all times, an emptiness that was always nagging into his psyche. He was bored. He really wanted to fight, black out, fucking destroy something. He’d been doing it all his life, and he’d only gotten in trouble for it a handful of times. He was too drunk to care if this was another one. His rage had been boiling for months thanks to his fucking probation, his promise to his mom that he wouldn’t fuck up again. He was craving some release, and this guy was fucking begging for it. 

It would take literal years of therapy for him to figure out healthy outlets for the destructive monster occupying his brain. Through this therapy, he’d come up with a name for the man that he became when his violent tendencies broke through: Kylo Ren. The antithesis of the calm, collected, fulfilled adult Ben truly wanted to be. Blaming it on Kylo was easier than admitting that he’d started a bar fight at 12 AM while he was already in deep legal shit, anyway. 

“You must wanna join the game,” Ben provoked him when he approached the table again, picking up the deck and flicking individual cards into the man’s chest. He only got to three before the guy stood up. _Good._ “Hey, hey. You need seven cards to play, big guy.” 

“You called my girl a bitch,” the man started. He was drunk. So, so drunk, much worse off than Ben. “Tell her you’re sorry, you big-nosed prick.” 

He grabbed Ben by the shirt. They were the same height, but Ben—no, Kylo— knew he had the advantage of being less intoxicated. 

Ben’s eyes darted to the woman. She looked so smug and self-righteous that even now, Ben could justify what he’d said. She was just waiting to sic her boyfriend on the first guy that looked at her sideways. 

“Oh. I’m sorry, cunt.” 

And that’s when it started. Ben landed a punch on the stranger’s cheek before he could react. That might have justifiably been self-defense… the look that flashed across the man’s face before Ben made contact was nearly homicidal. But now Ben had the upper hand, and he was gripping the back of the man’s neck, launching his face into the table over and over again with increasing force until a pair of strong arms jerked him away. 

It was Phasma. The amazonian queen of the First Order bar was yanking him off of a newly bloodied man, who fell into the ground with a satisfying _thump._ He realized later that he was lucky Phasma was there. Ben could have killed him. In that moment, he wished he had. 

He remembered how he’d called his mother from jail later that night. “Mom, I really, really fucked up.” 

She’d just sighed. “Don’t talk to anyone. Let me call Amilyn.” 

And so he embarked on a year-long legal battle, one that he only narrowly avoided prison for. His mom eventually used a lump sum of money his grandfather had left him to buy new teeth and a new nose for the bar guy. Eventually that was enough.

Though now, Ben had no prospects. No hope. No life. Therapy and treatment for his mental illness became his life over the course of the next few years. He eventually got a grip, started doodling. Writing. Working out. All the stuff that healthy, well-adjusted adults did in addition to their full-time jobs. Except Ben was no longer qualified to do anything else with his life. Couldn’t pass a background check. 

That was a new source of trepidation for him. He was still fighting the angry monster that lurked in the back of his brain, but he’d started combatting it by writing it out like the antagonist in Ben’s own story. Ben found a certain solace in writing that he wanted to pursue. He really, really wanted to write a book. When he was famous and the movie adaptation came out, he could explain away his priors, and maybe… just maybe… do something with his life. But he found he couldn’t write a provoking novel without tapping into that part of his brain… Kylo Ren. And he couldn’t convincingly write about anything except for his own past, which was far too privileged and indefensible to really amount to anything. 

Back in the present, he finally pried his body off of the marble and skulked into the kitchen. He was beyond hungry. Throwing up always made him ravenous. 

He found his phone on the counter and could have started crying again when he realized Rey never called. Never texted. It drove the final nail into the coffin of what their short-lived relationship could have been. 

He called his mother anyway, not expecting her to answer. If anything, she could get one of those military family therapists down there to help him calm down. She’d done it before. Fuck. Maybe he could even convince her that he needed to be involuntarily committed again. He wanted to be subdued. 

“Ben? Everything okay, sweetie?” 

He flinched at the petname. His mother never talked to him like that, she was far too severe. She must have sensed some sort of disturbance in the atmosphere. 

“Mom, I really, really fucked up.” 

— 

Rey’s day was going slightly better. She wasn’t nearly as hungover as Ben, but she’d also had the foresight to not down an entire bottle of brandy on an empty stomach. 

She and Rose always took Sunday off. For Rey, it was the only day that she was able to do anything domestic. Mostly she focused on laundry and washing her sheets. She was meticulously clean, but not neat. She lived her life in a never-ending series of organized messes. Now even her mind had joined that classification. 

Finn and Rose had found her crumpled into a heap the night before. Her adrenaline rush from before had sobered her up pretty quickly. After several threats of getting the police involved, Rey finally broke down and told them everything. Now, twelve hours later, they had her cornered in the kitchen, eager to know more. Rose was sitting on the counter beside Rey. Finn was sitting at the nearby table, poking at a bowl of Lucky Charms with the end of his spoon. 

“Okay, okay, I admit that it’s creepy as actual fuck,” Rose began. She’d given up hope that Rey might broach the subject first, and she continued, despite the ice cold look Finn shot her. “But I really think it was just a sex thing. Like, it helped him get off. Some people are more literary than visual. I mean, it’s no less creepy than stalking bikini pictures on your Instagram. Right?” 

Rey removed her hands from the sink and splashed the excess water onto Rose. It was both friendly and mean-spirited, the only way she could get Rose to stop—but Rose didn’t know how to stop. 

“I just think you should talk to him. Give him a chance. He’s like, clearly head over heels for you.” 

“I know,” Rey sighed. “That’s the problem. I don’t even know if I’m capable of reciprocating it. Ever.” 

Rey really wasn’t bothered by the sexual nature of the writing. Honestly, she agreed with Rose. Just a weird sex thing. Some men were like that, and even though she knew it was wrong, she was… flattered that he thought about her like that. Had it been a two thousand word fantasy played out, she might have even been amused. But no. He’d written about her so obsessively, possessively. Lovingly, even. Before he knew her. Before they even had a real conversation. Like she was his soulmate Goddess sent from Mt. Olympus to save him from himself. 

She couldn’t even save her own self, what was she supposed to do for him? 

“I really hope I’m not interpreting this correctly.” Finn was sighing from the table. “You’re not who you were at thirteen, Rey. Your relationships are meaningful now, not transactional.”

Finn’s words were meant to be motivating, but they were also meant to be a slap back into reality. Rey struggled to form mature, true, bonding relationships until high school. Even then it had taken a lot of work. A lot of talking herself out of getting annoyed, reacting angrily, giving into a dark side of her brain she’d like to forget existed. She’d worked with social workers since the day she was abandoned, countless psychologists, countless trauma counselors. They had taught her how to love, how to receive love (to an extent), without viewing it as quid pro quo. 

It was why she was so obsessed with the idea of value, why she _needed_ to define value. So she could prove to herself once and for all that she had it, intrinsically, that she didn’t have to earn it. 

But Rey never viewed love as something she was inherently privy to; her approach was very much “fake it til you make it.” And why shouldn’t it have been? It worked for her with Finn and Rose, who she could definitively say she loved now. 

Ben viewing her as valuable from the moment they met really fucked with her. He didn’t know anything about her, he just looked into her eyes, and boom. He loved her. It was so easy for him, he hadn’t had to stare in the mirror and recite platitudes to himself or punch himself on the thigh until bad thoughts went away. He was a privileged idealist and she was a textbook example of struggle and hardship, despite where she was now. She’d spent her childhood fighting for food, hiding under couches from police officers, taking piss tests for her junkie parents so they wouldn’t lose custody and therefore their only source of income. 

Had she moved past that? Hell yes. She was independent now, and intelligent and hard-working. She could define the value of those traits better than anyone. 

But she was not lovable. Not since the day she was born. Not until she proved herself, at least, which she had done with the people in her inner circle. They had proven that they were worthy of her love, too. And after the whole “mental health day” debacle, she was starting to view Ben as being worthy. Her old social workers might have cried out in frustration if they found out that Rey had fallen back into the habit of justifying and defining her relationships like that; transactionally, as Finn had so eloquently put it. 

“Ben Solo has no reason to view me as anything other than a barista.” Rey said this so flatly that it made Rose’s eye twitch. “A cute barista, a funny barista, but a barista nonetheless. We went on two dates. How is he supposed to look at me once and decide he loves me enough to write a fucking smutty fan-fiction about me? No justification. No reason. He just loves me, because he’s able to do that. I can’t fucking do that.” 

“I am horrified that he feels so dependent on me. It’s not fair.” Rey took in a deep breath, turned the hot water off, and continued. “I cannot love anyone like that. Holy fuck, I don’t even love myself like that.”

Finn scooted his chair back with a frown. “Rey, I really think you need to get back into regular therapy. Group therapy again, too. I’ll take over all of your shifts until you’re—“ 

Rey held up her hand to cut him off. She wasn’t the crazy one, and she wouldn’t be told otherwise. Ben was the crazy one. “I am fine. I am _realistic_.” She was drying her hands off with a paper towel, so intently that she didn’t even realize Rose had slid off of the counter beside her. “I thought this was fun. I never, at any point, read into it more than it was. Was I serious about it? Sure, yeah. I wanted to love him _eventually_. I was so excited to love him eventually.” She wasn’t even fighting tears anymore. They streamed down her face like welcome guests. “I didn’t want to have to love him now. I can’t love him now. My cafe is failing. I’m behind on my dissertation. I only have a certain level of emotional capacity, I know that much about myself, and being someone’s rock and… having them sit fifteen feet away from me and write about me like I’m the greatest human being on Earth…” she choked for a minute, but she was on a roll. She’d get it all out. “I am not capable of handling the pressure. I am not worthy of the pressure. I am not worthy of his fucking love or affection or whatever the fuck it is that compels a man to write about you like that. I wish it was ONLY a weird sex thing. He’s hot. I’d fuck him. I don’t care. It’s the level and detail of the obsession that I just can’t fucking deal with.”

She turned and saw two sets of extremely concerned eyes blinking back at her. 

“You need to address this regression immediately.” Finn wouldn’t entertain the rest of what she said, he was afraid of convincing her that her words had value. He crossed his arms over his chest. “This is so much more than the stupid novel. Forget about Ben, Rey. Forget about all of that. We have to address what’s triggered the regression. I need you to call your therapist now.” 

Rey wanted to crumble. She wanted to puke. She wanted to punch Finn right in his stupid, nail-on-the-head, precisely correct face. 

“I don’t have time. I really don’t have time. Just give me a month and a half, I’ll get there,” Rey frowned. “I just have to get through the next few months, and then I can devote the rest of my life to working out trauma.” 

Finn shook his head. 

“Call her now. I need to see you call her.” 

She leaned back against the counter and squeezed her eyes shut. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm starting to really fall in love with this fic, or at least what I have planned for the future. I really needed to add some depth to the characters here (sorry for not doing it sooner; again, I'm new to this) and make them more three-dimensional. Love that I can do that with AUs. Thank you for all of your support and comments; I never thought anyone would read this and I love everyone that does. This is such an amazing community.


	11. The motions

“It’s late.” 

“I know.” 

Rey was leaning over the cool metal of her balcony railing. Her brain was convincing her that the distance between her and the ground was much greater than it actually was. Realistically, they only lived on the second floor; it wouldn’t have been a dangerous drop. She jerked away from the railing with a huff. 

“Still afraid of heights?” 

She nodded, almost solemnly. 

“Come back inside.” 

Rey’s eyes finally focused over her shoulders. Poe was standing there, slightly amused, slightly concerned. She hated that look on his face. The pitiful look, the one that seemed to scream ‘you poor creature, such a danger to yourself.’

It had been three months since she’d last seen Ben. A whirlwind of activity had occurred at first, and then it slowed down, leaving her bored and empty. Well, bored enough to seek a thrill by looking over her balcony’s edge. It was better than reflecting on her unfinished dissertation, unopened since December. She’d gotten a year-long extension, but the length of time horrified her more than it motivated her. She knew it was because they wouldn’t be processing doctoral graduations until the following winter, but she wished some sort of exception could have been made. She was _so_ close. 

She didn’t really blame Ben. Her stress levels when “it” happened were so high, it would have taken less than that to finally push her over the edge. Finn was correct in saying she’d regressed, falling back into thought patterns that only suited the needs of the deeply traumatized and troubled. 

She was neither now. Despite being (relatively) blameless for her breakdown, she still held him in deep contempt. He’d only wanted to own her, have her, probably toss her away when the obsession was finally sated. Bitterness swelled in the back of her throat at the thought of it. He’d led her on so easily. He pretended that every interaction was normal, every conversation not meticulously planned, that every date lacked the pretense of him eventually “claiming” her. She’d even gone as far as thinking it was all a ploy to stick it to Poe for some old rivalry. Why else would he include a completely unrelated chapter about beating the man senseless? 

Rey had already broached the subject with several mental health professionals. The conclusions they’d reached together had spared her from the guilt of potentially breaking a man’s heart—people like Ben had no hearts. That’s why they preyed on people like her. He was probably already on his next victim by now. 

She realized she’d been staring into the trees for an uncomfortable amount of time. Poe was shifting, unsure of what to say to snap her back into reality. 

“Okay.” 

— 

“Aren’t you going to ask how that makes me feel?” Ben scoffed. He was staring down his nose at a man who was too busy inspecting a fountain pen to notice. 

“I thought you’d just tell me,” the man responded, expression blank. “I’m not going to pry.” 

“Isn’t that your job, _Dr._ Kenobi?”

Dr. Kenobi sighed. He’d been working with Ben for months now, and he knew the best way to make the boy honest was to rile him up a bit first. They’d had many breakthroughs and hit many walls. At the center of it all was a young woman named Rey. He knew it was slightly unprofessional, but he’d often wondered what Rey looked like to have such an effect on this patient. 

“Your behavior was obsessive and frightening. I, too, would have been very nervous about that situation. I cannot blame the girl.” 

“You say that every time.” Ben’s face flinched. “I just want to know how to fix it. God, I think about her every day. How much she must hate me.” 

“Yes, because you are obsessed with her.” 

“I love her.” 

Dr. Kenobi fought a sigh. He didn’t think Ben was beyond saving by any means, but he certainly did have some strange tendencies. He supposed now was a better time than any other to finally open his next can of worms. “Why do you love her, Ben?” 

“She’s all I can think about.” 

“Yes. You are obsessed with her. But why do you love the girl?” 

Ben clenched his fists beside him, so hard that he thought his knuckles might pop out of his skin. Dr. Kenobi was ridiculously unorthodox, sometimes bordering on the unprofessional. But he was also good. 

“She’s funny, for one,” Ben began, almost like the thought of why had never crossed his mind before. “Her nose scrunches up when she’s offended. She’s so smart, so deeply analytical. I’ve never met someone with that kind of worldview, the kind that makes you think you’ve seen things incorrectly your entire life. And she’s positive…happy. It makes me feel positive and happy.” He stopped speaking for a moment, drawing in a deep breath. “That’s not everything, but it should be sufficient.” 

“You say you loved her when you first saw her, but nothing you’ve said so far could have been exchanged with a simple glance between employee and customer. So when did you really love her?” 

“When I first saw her.” Ben was getting more frustrated now. “I’ve told you, I could just feel it. I could feel everything.” 

“What you saw,” Dr. Kenobi pushed his glasses up. “Was a beautiful woman. You had a chemical reaction to it and mistook that for meaning something that cannot be exchanged by a glance. And because you don’t feel like you could ever deserve a beautiful woman, you started devising fantasies about owning her. Taking away her choice to say no to you.” 

Ben didn’t say anything. 

“You cannot possess another human being. Not even one whose nose scrunches when you vex her. You are not allowed to take away her right to choose you.” 

“I didn’t want to.” Ben was making his breakthrough face. Dr. Kenobi was thankful; this had been a tedious session. “I wanted her to choose me.” 

“But Kylo Ren doesn’t believe in choice, right? He believes in taking what’s his and acting impulsively, like the world belongs to him and owes him his desires.” 

Ben shifted uncomfortably, but Dr. Kenobi didn’t give him the chance to speak. 

“You wanted to fight that, but you were too scared. You were also curious about the possibilities of giving into him.” Dr. Kenobi was standing now, pulling his coat on one arm at a time. “So you let your… alter… take over in the form of words. But Rey chose Ben Solo without much provocation, correct? Just a few weeks of flirting?” 

“Yes.” 

“And the thought of Kylo Ren sent her running desperately home, never to be seen again?”

“Yes.” 

“That leaves us with much to discuss next week,” Dr. Kenobi hummed. “I’ll send the bill to your mother.” 

“Wait,” Ben frowned, desperately following the man out. “Just tell me how to fix it!” 

“I’m on my personal time now, Ben,” Dr. Kenobi was smiling. “And personally, I don’t think you’re ready to fix anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be another update later today! I just thought this deserved its own chapter. Consider it an extra little "happy Saturday" gift. <3


	12. Chapter 12

Rey lamented the loss of winter. All she wanted to do was focus her attention on her clouds of breath. Watching them emerge from her mouth reminded her that she was breathing rhythmically, impersonating personhood correctly. Now all she had to focus on was the sound of her boots hitting the sidewalk. 

_Breathe. Step. Breathe. Step. Don’t slouch. Head up. Breathe. Smile at the old lady. Breathe. Step. Wave at the hot dog guy. No, wait, don’t, stop waving. Step. Step. Step. Step. Breathe!_

She’d always felt like an imposter to civilized life. Lately that detachment was getting worse. She was obsessed with the idea of seeming strong, normal, and unquestionable now. It started as an idea the month prior, when she was standing over her balcony and Poe was watching her with pity in his eyes. She never wanted anyone to look at her like that again. Besides, faking it had always worked for her. She’d fall into the habit of appearing strong eventually, and then she would begin to actually feel that way. 

“Morning, Rose!” Rey called, quickly shuffling into the cafe. She was late, as usual, but at least Rose hadn’t closed up shop before she got there. “Were you able to pick up any flour?” 

It took a minute or two, but Rose finally walked out of their office. Her shirt was on backwards, her hair was messed up, and there was an unmistakable, sloppy grin on her cheeks. 

Rey couldn’t help but sigh. “Oh. I suppose we could send Finn to grab it, then?”

“Wouldn’t be the first thing he’s grabbed this morning.” Rose snickered into Rey’s ear. Rey wanted to laugh, but she was too annoyed with her friends; possibly even jealous. Two normal people, living their normal lives, in their normal, fulfilling relationship. It had now been four months since Rey first thought that might be possible for herself. 

Instead of contempt, she now felt a pang of emptiness when she thought of Ben. In two weeks he’d made her the happiest and most miserable woman on Earth, and she knew that she’d never be able to top the high of kissing him again. There was something to be said about how much raw passion they shared, how the intimacy surpassed her wildest dreams. Once she’d stopped hiding behind the convenient guise of hatred for Ben, she realized that they were just two extremely intense people. It was almost sad that they could never work. If it hadn’t been for her snooping—_no, Rey, if it hadn’t been for his creepy book about owning you_, she reminded herself—they would have still been just as inseparable. A better pair than Rose and Finn, for sure. 

Rey quickly shook the last thought out of her head. She couldn’t compare two weeks of intense passion to the two years of dedication and love her friends had shared, no matter how much she wanted to. Besides, Ben was genuinely a weirdo. She didn’t even want him back as much as she wanted to punch him for ruining them, ruining _her_ for anyone else. She imagined him flippantly writing her off, finding a new coffee shop, and stalking the next girl behind the counter. That was the only logical conclusion. The thought of that is what had inspired her hatred of him in the first place, though she wasn’t entirely sure what gave her the idea or why she dwelled on it so much. Hadn’t she been relieved to get away from him? 

Maybe she just needed an explanation. She’d always been obsessed with the why, she was never able to accept that things just happened on their own accord. This was the moment she decided that she wouldn’t be able to get over Ben until she understood his motivations. 

A million questions swirled in her brain, but they were cut off by a group of customers. 

— 

Ben’s last breakthrough had been the one Dr. Kenobi was waiting for. After four weeks of additional prodding, Ben was finally showing signs of true progress. He began taking full blame for what happened between him and Rey, and forty minutes into their current session, Rey hadn’t even come up once. Ben was talking about his plans for the future instead. 

“I think I should get into freelance editing or something,” Ben nodded. “I mean, just to get some money. Kind of weird being in your thirties and letting your parents finance your life.” 

Dr. Kenobi nodded. “Do you think your parents mind taking care of you?” 

“Well…” Ben looked up, as if searching for the answer on the ceiling. He finally settled for shaking his head. “No. But it doesn’t really inspire pride, either.” 

“And what _would_ inspire pride?” 

This made Ben laugh for some reason. “Grandchildren.” 

“I know the feeling.” Dr. Kenobi smiled back at him. “Is there anything you could do that’s a bit more… accessible?” 

“Whoa, man. I’m plenty virile. I could make them a grandbaby tomorrow,” Ben smirked. “I don’t know. They want me to be happy. For my mom, that’s marriage, grandchildren, and moving out.” 

“In that order?” Dr. Kenobi raised an eyebrow. 

“Ideally. Kids are expensive, need to save on rent while I can.” 

“Be serious.” 

Ben held up a hand in apology. “I think I need to move out. Be independent. Show them I can keep my shit together.” 

“I think that’s an excellent idea. Now, we can spend the last five minutes working on a game plan for that, or you can bring up anything else that’s on your mind.” 

Ben’s eyebrows knitted together. Dr. Kenobi knew why, but again… he didn’t want to pry. 

“I really just want to apologize to Rey. I don’t care if she takes me back, but I know what happened hurt her. I want to…I want to tell her she didn’t deserve it.” A smile curled up at the corner of Dr. Kenobi’s lips, which emboldened Ben to continue. “I put way too much on her way too soon. Even if she’d never seen anything, we were destined for failure. Because I was obsessed with her.” 

“Past tense now, hm?” Dr. Kenobi was grinning now. He couldn’t help it; this was the most rewarding part of the job. “And how do you feel about her now?” 

“I love her.” Ben hesitated. “Which is why I want her to forget about me and move on.” 

“I’m very proud of you, Ben.” 

“Me too.” 

— 

Rey was curled into the corner of her couch, nursing a small bottle of wine in one hand and the TV remote in the other. She was tipsy, but she wanted to be drunk. She never had the house to herself, and now no roommates stood between her and drunkenly sobbing to chick flicks all night. 

Her eyes kept trailing down to the cell phone on their coffee table. She could call Ben right now, get the answers she needed, and be done with the whole thing. Finally wash her hands of Ben Solo. 

“No,” she murmured to herself, taking another swig of wine. “No.” 

It only took ten minutes for the alcohol to convince her that it was actually a great idea. She pressed her phone against her ear with all the confidence of an intoxicated woman scorned, but it threw her off that he answered on the first ring. _Typical._

“Rey?” His deep voice came through the phone like an avalanche, even though she could tell he was speaking softly. 

“Ben.” 

“C-can I…you—are you okay?” He was so uncomfortable, so nervous. It made her nose scrunch. 

“I have to ask you some questions,” Rey started. “Just say yes or no.” 

There was a pause on the other end, but Ben finally croaked something affirmative. “Okay—er, yes. Sure.” 

“Did you delete it?”

“Yes.” 

Rey took in a deep breath and leaned back against the edge of the couch. “What you did was fucking insane. You know that, right?”

“Yes.”

“Did you get help?”

“Yes.” 

“Are you sorry?” 

“Yes.” 

She shut her eyes together, tightly. The room was starting to spin. She’d really overdone it on the liquid courage, so much so that she couldn’t stop herself from asking the question that had burned itself into her mind over the last four months. 

“Have you moved on?” 

“No.” 

Her heart skipped a beat. Her faux courage was disappearing now, and they were becoming what they were again: two intense souls, drawn together by something that seemed bigger than themselves. 

“I haven’t either.” 

“No?” 

Rey snorted. He was still so fucking funny. “Yes.” 

He didn’t say anything, but there was something so comfortable about the silence. Something that was threatening to undo months of her therapists’ work. It didn’t matter; the conversation needed to happen. Maybe she could actually make real progress now. “This is our post-mortem, okay? So I’m going to let you ask questions, too. I don’t want to be the only one with closure.” 

She heard his breath hitch. “Okay. Um… do you hate me?” 

“Not nearly as much as I thought I did.” 

“Do you think I’m creepy?” 

“Yes. Very.” 

He chuckled. “Okay, that’s fair. I’m seeing a great psychiatrist, though. He’s helping me be less of a creep.” 

“That’s nice.” 

There was another minute of comfortable silence until Ben cleared his throat. “Do you ever miss me, Rey?” 

“Oh my God. Every day, Ben.” The words came out more vulnerably than she meant them to, so she tried to dial herself back a bit. “At least what I thought you were.”

“I was always me. I never tricked you, I just…there’s another side of me, Rey. It’s hard to explain. I’ve been fighting it since I was a kid. It’s the opposite of what I want to be, but it’s what I thought I had to be to ever land a beautiful woman like you.” She could hear the tears in his voice, he was being so sincere. She didn’t want to forget about it when she passed out, so she focused closely on every word. “I have serious mental issues. Like, really serious ones. I probably should have been honest with you about that from the beginning. But I wasn’t lying when I said I would never hurt you.” 

“I have them, too. They’re different, but I have them.” Rey sighed. She couldn’t help herself; this was going in such a bad direction. This was such a bad idea. “I understand, okay? I don’t want bad feelings between us anymore. It’s… so hard to actually heal when there’s bad blood.” 

Ben laughed. “Months of ‘healing’ from something that hardly lasted two weeks. We really are fucked up.” 

“Ben…” Rey trailed off. She didn’t know how to end the conversation, or how to say goodbye for the last time. “I’m sorry I called you. I don’t think I was ready for this conversation. But…” she sighed again. “I’m glad it happened. And I’m glad we’re both going to be okay.” 

“Me, too. Good luck, Rey.” She could tell he was still crying, mostly because he was trying so hard to sound like he wasn’t. 

“Good luck, Ben.” 

He hung up before she had the chance, but she didn’t care. She was too busy curling into herself and reciprocating the tears. 


	13. Chapter 13

“I cannot believe you’re letting me do your makeup,” Rose was beaming down at a fully-made up Rey. “Oh my God. You already look like a fucking angel.” 

Rey was blushing, but Rose couldn’t tell. Her makeup skills were either minimal or full-glam, and she was on a mission to get Rey looking as glamorous as humanly possible. 

“I don’t think I’m going to contour you. You’re already too thin.” Rose sucked her cheeks in to mimic Rey’s bone structure. “Like this. No good.” 

“You just look like a really cute fish right now,” Rey giggled. She stole a glance at herself in the bathroom mirror. Rose was right about how striking her eyes would look with mauve eyeshadow. She’d done a cut crease with something glittery, and despite the overwhelming itch that overcame her eyelids, Rey was thoroughly impressed. “I have no idea how we could possibly improve this. I already look too great for bar hopping.” 

“We improve it with fake freckles. Makes you look innocent.” 

Rose really was talented. Rey always wondered why she didn’t pursue something in health or beauty. Rose always looked perfect, with baby soft skin and lush, jet-black locks that made Rey the slightest bit jealous; she hated her own listless hair. Rose had improved it significantly with lots of product and some barrel curls, but Rey still felt like a shaggy dog standing next to her friend in the mirror. 

“Do I need to remind Finn how absolutely lucky he is that you waste your time on him?” Rey asked, lips curling up into a smile. She was still taking herself in. “I’ve never felt beautiful before—and believe me, it’s hard to when I’m standing next to you—but damn. You did it.” 

The girls had somehow found similar dresses at a consignment shop across town. The only difference between the skin-tight black materials on their body were that Rose’s stopped at her knees, and Rey’s stopped at her mid-thigh. Rose had assured her this was a good thing; Rey had ‘legs for days,’ after all. Between the risqué, curve-hugging dress and her makeup, Rey could hardly recognize herself. 

“_We_ did it,” Rose corrected, suddenly assaulting Rey’s face with copious amounts of setting spray. She continued through Rey’s subsequent coughing fit. “A magician is only good as her props, right?”

Rey just nodded. She was twirling one of her curls around her finger, trying her best to flash a seductive smile at herself in the mirror. Rose had spent weeks trying to convince her that the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else, and Rey had finally agreed to at least _speak_ to another man. Or men. The thought was as exciting as it was horrifying. 

“Okay, Elisabeth Taylor. Save it for First Order.” 

Rose gave her hair one final scrunch and started out the bathroom door. Rey was quick to follow. Everything about the night was already so far out of her element, she needed the direction. 

—

“I’m pretty sure you’re still banned from this place, Benny boy,” Phasma was grinning across the bar with a bottle of beer pressed under her bottom lip. “But Armie has assured me you can behave.” 

The redheaded man beside Ben groaned into his own beer. “He can behave, and don’t call me Armie.”

If anything good had happened from Ben’s last assault charge, it was that his best friend was able to make a move on Phasma. They’d gotten married, had children, and bought the First Order bar from its previous owner over the course of the last decade. The bar was a local hotspot for college students and business professionals alike, and Phasma was a bit of a legend in both circles, being equal parts maternal and party animal. Ben had no idea what Hux could have possibly done to deserve her. 

He and Hux hadn’t really remained friends after the incident, but that was not for lack of trying on Hux’s side. Dr. Kenobi was encouraging him to tap into old relationships, and make new ones alongside them. Healthy, meaningful relationships. _“Besides,” the old psychiatrist had chided him. “You’ll need friends to help you move out of your mom’s house.”_ So he’d called up Hux on Thursday and found himself nursing a second bottle of beer with Hux and his wife on Friday. 

“So how come you aren’t married yet?” Phasma asked. Hux choked on his beer, equally scandalized and amused by the question. “No girls piqued your interest?”

“There was one,” Ben shrugged. “We broke up recently.” He sucked in a deep breath through his nose to regulate his breath, just like Dr. Kenobi taught him. 

“Ooooh. Still got any pics?” Phasma leaned over the bar, motioning towards Ben’s idle phone. 

“No,” Ben lied. Truthfully, he had all of the pictures Rey had ever posted on social media saved in his gallery—even some that her friends had posted. Dr. Kenobi hadn’t had time to address all of his creepy tendencies yet, and it wasn’t like Ben didn’t know it was weird. He just didn’t care. If he didn’t get to be with her, he could at least look at her; there was no possible harm in that. “But she was cute, I guess.” 

The ‘I guess’ had its intended effect. Phasma shrugged it off, assuming Ben just hadn’t cared much for the girl in the first place. 

“Don’t worry, you’ll have to meet _someone_ tonight,” Hux gave his friend a comforting pat on the back. “I own the place, you know. Ultimate wingman.” 

“_We_ own the place, Armie. And I’d be a much better wingman,” Phasma rolled her eyes. “Case in point: two cuties, front entrance. Which one do you want to get a drink for?” Something mischievous flashed in her eyes before Ben could respond. “Or both?” 

“No, not both,” Ben groaned. He tried to look over his shoulders surreptitiously, but he couldn’t make out any details other than black dresses. _Fuck it._

He turned his whole body to face the front door. He recognized Rose first, then Rey. God, did Rey look good in her tight little dress, batting eyelashes that looked longer than usual. Those hips, those legs, those heels. _ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _ He shuffled off of his bar chair, knocking over his drink in the process. Phasma jumped away from the liquid in time, but it saturated Hux’s pants. 

“Well, that’s one way to lose a wingman,” Hux frowned down at his wet lap. He was more concerned than incensed, but incensed nonetheless. “You good?” 

“Y-no, yes I’m fine! Fuck. _Ihavetogotothebathroom._” He was across the bar in seconds, leaving a very confused Hux and Phasma blinking at each other. 

Hux finally shrugged. “Still as weird as ever. Glad he reached out.”

—

“Really?” Ben growled down at his crotch, finally finding refuge in a single-stall restroom. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”  
Ben wasn’t sure if he wanted Rey to see him at all. Well, of course he did, but he knew approaching her wouldn’t be appropriate. Especially not if he couldn’t fight a fucking erection from a five second glimpse at her. He adjusted himself into his waistband and sighed. He’d spent the last week crying over the girl, begging whatever holy powers might be out there to give him a second chance. That phone call had played on a loop in his brain, burning a hole in his very psyche. 

_“Do you miss me?” _

_“Oh my God, Ben. Every day.”_

Just the sound of that voice was enough to undo him in every way. Mentally, physically, emotionally. God, he loved her so much he could explode. Now she was here, in a completely uncontrived way, looking like a literal goddess. He fought the urge to punch something when he thought about how many eyes must be on her. 

_ She’s not yours. You don’t own her. You can’t have her._

Right. 

His eyes were squeezed shut as he repeated that mantra in his brain, breathing slowly enough to regulate his adrenaline and bloodflow. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he was broken out of his trance by a pounding on the door. 

“Oh my God, can you hurry up?” 

He winced at the voice. It sounded like Rose, but fate couldn’t possibly be that cruel to him. 

“Uh… yeah, give me a minute.” 

He blinked at himself in the mirror, splashed some water in his face, and turned the handle. To his surprise, it wasn’t Rose standing outside of the bathroom, but a small blonde that took him in with a wicked grin. He shuffled past her before she could open her mouth and headed back to the bar. 

“So which one had such an effect on you?” Phasma asked, before he was even fully settled into his chair. 

Ben winced for the second time in five minutes. This woman was too fucking ruthless. “I didn’t like either of them. Not too into brunettes, you know.” 

He scanned the crowd again, eyes finally settling on Rey. She probably wouldn’t even be able to see him; the building had quickly become crowded and she didn’t have his height advantage. So he gaped and stared as long as he could without drawing suspicion from the ridiculously perceptive blonde across the counter. Rey was mixed into a group of women. College students, most likely undergraduates. He didn’t have to be nearby to know that she was probably talking about the unique majesty of the philosophy department. It always was her dream to inspire other girls, after all. He watched her get approached by a few men who were likely testing out the crowd. She never seemed to be interested, but others did, and her protective circle of femininity was slowly dwindling away. 

Eventually she was approached by someone huge—someone who looked enough like Ben to make his fingers grip harder on his bottle. Tall, wide, pale and handsome. She certainly seemed interested then. The man bent over to whisper something in her ear and Rey immediately jerked away from him. He watched the man grab her wrist while she was mid-slap. She looked like she was in pain as the man pulled her even closer to him. 

Her subsequent shriek filled the bar. “If you don’t let go of me, I swear to God I’m going to—“ 

Rey didn’t get a chance to finish her thought because, to her surprise, the man was already off of her. She stared down at her arm first to assess the damage. It was stinging and red where the man’s fingers had worked their way into her flesh, and she could tell that she was going to have bruises in the morning. It hadn’t been thirty minutes and the night was already such an enormous mistake. 

Nothing could have prepared her for the sound of crunching bone a few seconds later. She hadn’t heard or registered anything prior to that sound—the adrenaline pumping through her ears and sight wouldn’t let her. She shook herself out of it and examined the floor in front of her. 

Ben was there. _Of course._ He was on top of the man that had whispered such horrible vulgarities in her ear and was pinning him down to the ground by his neck. The guy’s nose was obviously broken, or worse; Rey had never seen so much blood on a person in her life. 

“You’re lucky I don’t fucking kill you,” Ben spat down, loudly enough for his words to echo through the bar. He was beyond angry, so vicious. “I still can. Do you fucking want me to?” She could tell that he’d tightened his grip around the man’s neck because he was turning a dangerous shade of purple. “Night night, you piece of shit.” 

“Stop it!” Rey finally found her courage and commanded it. “Jesus, he’s dying!” 

The entire bar was silently watching the scene unfold, so the sound was shocking enough that Ben loosened his grip just enough for the man to suck in a breath. The man under him must have landed a few blows—Ben’s nose was bleeding too, and there was a gash on his bottom lip. Ben was panting, sweating, and red from rage, and now he was staring up at Rey like a wild animal. 

Rey squatted down beside him and pried the rest of Ben’s grip off of her assailant’s neck. She was still operating on pure adrenaline. Of course she wanted the guy to get hurt—he earned it. But she didn’t want to watch Ben squeeze the life out of someone in front of her. The guy was panting, too, and gurgling and coughing from the blood on his face. Rey pushed Ben off of him as softly as she possibly could and he collapsed to the ground beside them. 

“Ben,” she breathed. It’s all she could manage. “You’re fucking insane.” 

“I know.” 

They stared at each other, both panting, until Ben was dragged away by an enormous blonde woman. 

Rey’s attention finally focused when she was sitting out of the First Order’s office. She’d just finished giving a report to the owners so they could decide whether or not to press charges against Ben or the other man, whose name turned out to be Matt. Her gaze caught Ben’s as they switched positions inside and outside of the room. His eyes lacked any semblance of apology. 

She could hear grumbling from the other side of the wall, then laughter. 

What could have possibly been funny about this? It was the single most horrifying experience of her life. 

“So that’s your ex-girlfriend, then?” She heard the blonde woman ask. Ben didn’t seem to say anything, he must have nodded. “Okay. I’m going to chalk this up to self-defense.” 

“Matt,” she continued. “You think you learned your lesson about grabbing young women?” “Unghh,” the man grunted. Rey wondered how much it must hurt for him to talk right now. 

“I’m not involving the police for Ben’s sake. But Matt, if you ever step foot in this bar again, I’ll have him finish the job.” The woman’s voice was serious again. “And now both of you need to get out of my sight before I change my mind.” 

That seemed to be enough convincing for Matt, who was out of the office and then the front entrance faster than lightning. 

—

Rey felt Ben’s gaze before he spoke. She was standing outside, desperately attempting to summon a Lyft. Rose had left to get Finn and Poe, but Rey had already told her not to bother coming back. She’d get home faster without them. 

“Rey.” 

That’s all he said at first. It wasn’t enough for Rey to even look up from her phone. 

“Please.” 

Rey let out a shaky sigh and finally dropped her phone into her purse. “What?” 

“I’m sorry if that embarrassed you.” 

Rey’s eyes shot up at him. He was looking down at her sincerely, but she didn’t care. She was seeing red. 

“You’re sorry if that embarrassed me?” She asked, incredulous. “Are you fucking daft? Why are you following me to bars in the first place?” 

“I was actually here before you,” Ben frowned. She’d struck a nerve. “And I don’t follow you places. Please don’t say that.” 

“I came here to get over you,” Rey sucked a breath through her nose. It was still shaky, but she was working up her nerve again. “I didn’t come here to watch you choke the life out of someone for touching me.” 

“He hurt you. I should have killed him.” Ben’s voice was beyond deadpan. It was clear to Rey that he’d absolutely, positively snapped. “He deserved it.” 

Rey had nothing to say. She was just staring at him, lips parted in a way that drove the darkness clouding Ben’s brain even more insane. He reached down to cup her face, and was pleasantly surprised that she allowed the contact. 

“Let me walk you home,” he whispered. It was more of a plea than a demand. “I just need to know you get home safely.” 

Rey’s eyes softened while she looked at him—really, really looked at him. His nose was purple and swollen, his lip was still oozing blood. He was staring down at her with more desperation than she’d ever cared to see. She couldn’t help the way her heart melted while her eyes traced his face. She didn’t want to. She didn’t have the capacity to fight it anymore, whatever this was. She knew it was the worst decision she could possibly make to stay there, to not run away from him or at least demand that he left her alone. 

“I shouldn’t,” she finally whispered, but the way he traced his thumb against her cheekbone in response was enough convincing for her. “Ben, I—okay. Okay, but... I can’t keep running into you, okay? Not after this. I’m still shaken up, so I’m going to let you _ride_ with me in a Lyft. Then you go home. And I don’t want you to do any more protecting. Okay?” 

“Okay.” 

They rode in silence. Rey didn’t live far, the drive took less than ten minutes. Her eyes were glued to his hands the entire time, which were folded neatly in his lap. Like a scolded schoolchild. 

When the Lyft parked, Ben rushed out to open her door for her. She thought briefly about launching the door at him when he got to her. Her brain was faltering between rage, embarrassment and something soft that she hadn’t assigned a name to yet. In the end, she didn’t do anything but slip onto the sidewalk beside him. 

“I don’t need you to walk me to my door,” she growled up at him. His face didn’t betray any sort of reaction, but Rey didn’t get to study it for long, anyway. In an attempt to walk away from him in the most pointed way possible, she misstepped, and her heels brought her down to meet the concrete with her knees. They were stinging, but no pain could match what her pride felt. 

“I wasn’t going to walk you anywhere,” Ben was smirking as he held out a hand to help her up. “But now that I know you’re hellbent on getting hurt tonight, I’ll get you to the door.” 

Rey frowned at his hand and brought her legs under her, now sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk. She needed to catch her breath, figure out why her brain was betraying her common sense. She needed to get away from him, but she wanted to be right next to him. She needed to go home and forget he existed, but she really just wanted to go back home with him. Hell, he’d risked prison for her. The rational side of her brain realized that his behavior was possessive, brutish. But the idealist side wanted to believe he’d risk anything for her. She certainly wanted to risk anything for him. 

“Are you okay?” Ben’s eyebrows were knitted together. The way he was looking at her, like she was the most precious thing in the world. It would have scared her four months ago, but now she couldn’t fight the blush on her cheeks. 

“No.” 

Ben reached out his hand again, and this time she took it. They didn’t break apart, even when she finally rose. 

“I love you.” Ben blurted the words like he’d been fighting them for a lifetime. 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Ben…” Rey started, but she was cut off by those big, soft lips on hers. Her body stiffened, then softened as he pulled her into him. She could taste the beer on his breath, then the metallic taste of the blood on his split lip. It didn’t stop her. His mouth opened, tentatively, and Rey responded by pressing her tongue softly against his. He rested both hands on her waist, and she finally wrapped her arms around his neck. Every fiber of her being was crying out for more, and she found herself deepening the kiss until they both broke apart to breathe. It was every bit as overwhelming as before, even more so now that they had mutual desperation to drive them on. 

“Let me make it up to you,” Ben breathed. He was still less than three inches from her face. “Every bit of it. I fucked up so bad, Rey. Let me fix it.” 

She let her face collapse against his chest. His arms were wrapped around her back now, keeping her as close as he could. 

“Rey,” he spoke into her hair. She loved the way her name sounded on his lips, so desperate yet commanding. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Anything. I didn’t believe in soulmates until we were together, we just make so much sense.” 

“I know,” Rey whispered into his chest. “I feel the same way.”

“So?” He asked. She pulled back and saw the tears on his cheeks. He was so vulnerable, so beautiful, so unlike the man she knew before. 

She pressed her lips against his wet cheek and drew back, smirking. “So make it up to me. I’ll be waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not a reconciliation without a Ben Solo bar fight. 
> 
> Ugh.


	14. Regression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're earning that Explicit rating today, folks.

Rey knew what she was doing was wrong. She wished she could summon up some sort of regret, to feel the familiar tug of guilt and apprehension in her abdomen. When Ben mentioned the monster inside his brain, he put words to a phenomenon she’d been battling for years. Hers wasn’t so deeply evolved or severe that she could put a name to it, no. But she did have to fight it. 

Her entire life had been about control, staying two steps ahead of the enemy. The enemy seemed to change per her surroundings, but it was always the same, really. It had been her parents, at first, and then DFCS, and then the children that she fought for scraps of attention in state care, just as dirty and ruthless as she’d been. Survival, control. Two sides of a coin that fate flipped for Rey every day. 

She was nearly ten the first time she’d experienced love. And oh, how she’d basked in the light of genuine compassion and warmth. It gnawed away at the tattered edges of her beloved control, and she never denied it when it came to her, however it presented itself. At first it was Maz, protecting her fiercely and insisting that she receive help for childhood traumas. She was lucky enough to find it wherever she landed afterwards. And eventually, she was convinced that she might one day reciprocate it genuinely, unassumingly. That came with the introduction of Finn and Rose. 

But there was always that voice reminding her how much of a fraud she’d been. That if someone were to look a little closer, past her practiced, compassionate edges, they’d see the raw and feral child within. That voice was easily sated if she bit off more than she could chew, because she’d be too exhausted to hear it. That’s why she had the cafe, the graduate school, volunteering where she could fit it. Even the fucking dissertation gathering virtual dust on a forgotten flash-drive served its purpose. Each was a key to establishing a schedule, a distraction, an outlet. Order. When you’re brought up in chaos, you’ll seek it out however you can. 

Ben didn’t give a fuck about order. He crashed through all her walls, ignored her (albeit limited) boundaries, and consumed her with his raw desire. All he seemed to want was her, her, her. She’d done nothing to deserve it, nothing to be afflicted by it. All she’d done was hand the man coffee every morning and roll her eyes at him when she felt particularly annoyed. But he swore there was an otherworldly connection, and she couldn’t deny feeling it, too, despite how apprehensive she was to accept that anything he did had no ulterior motives. Of course he did. 

But _God_, did it feel good for someone to love her. If love wasn’t accurate, at least he wanted her. Needed her. Worshipped her. 

There was something about the way he’d said he loved her, pulled her closer, consumed her with his lips that changed her mind. She’d fought the urge to use him for months, knowing how dangerous it might be to even open that door after what she’d seen. 

She’d been starving for this level of affection since the day she was born. He could give it to her, and all she had to was accept the terms. He was too intense, unable to act on anything but impulse and desire. Ben was the opposite of the order she’d so carefully constructed for herself: chaotic, unpredictable, unstable. As much as she hated to admit it, he was more of a liability than a possibility. She’d seen the depths of his psyche and it wasn’t pretty. 

But _God_, did she feel safe in that kiss. He could clearly protect her, and the uneasy child in her craved that. 

Protection, affection, and the idea of love vs. chaos, unpredictability, and clear instability. Tale as old as time, right? 

He made the decision for her when she felt his lips and warmth. It was intoxicating and suffocating all at once. He wanted her, she wanted what he could offer her, something that held the same weight as the entire galaxy in her love-starved psyche. 

He wanted to hand everything to her on a silver platter, all strings attached. 

And _God_, she was going to let him, danger be damned. 

They stared at each other for what felt like hours before Rey finally broke their gaze. He’d given her a small nod, as if he understood the nature of the transaction he’d just made, and started walking home. 

“Ben,” she’d called over her shoulder. “Call me tonight.” 

He didn’t turn around, but she could feel the smile in his words. “I will.” 

— 

Dr. Kenobi took his glasses off so he could pinch the bridge of his nose more effectively. Ten minutes of this week’s meeting with Ben was enough to warrant the action. Months and months of work, undone by one foolish boy and one foolish girl after one foolish night. 

“What, exactly, is in it for Miss Rey? You wrote about her salaciously for months and now you’ve… oh, how did you put it…” Dr. Kenobi sighed, fingers still firmly planted around his nose. “‘Defended her honor like a valiant knight.’” The man couldn’t help but laugh. He could tell Ben had put a lot of effort into selling this to him as a positive. “How long after almost murdering a human—which, even I’m most likely professionally obligated to report, not sure what on Earth is wrong with your friend and his wife—did it take for you to convince her that you’re a stable, reasonable adult?” 

“She didn’t really need convincing,” Ben stated simply. He knew this would be a fight, but he’d promised himself not to be dishonest with his psychiatrist. “I walked her home because she was shaken up—“

“Most likely because you _almost killed someone_, but please continue.” 

Ben frowned. “No, she was shaken up because the guy grabbed her.” 

“Okay. I apologize for interrupting.” 

“Okay. Well, I walked her home, and then she tripped, and then I was telling her I love her and I want to fix it. And she said she’d let me fix it.” 

Dr. Kenobi’s eyebrow raised. Perhaps the girl was just being polite, trying to get herself out of a strange situation, and Ben had read too much into it. 

“And when I called her afterwards we made plans to see each other when she got off work tonight. At my house.”

_No such luck._ The girl really was a fool. “Do you think she knows how…intensely you feel for her?” Dr. Kenobi cleared his throat. “Beyond the love. I’m discussing obsession and preoccupation now.” 

“Oh, yeah. She read about it, remember? But I’m keeping that in check, I don’t want to scare her away.” 

His psychiatrist looked like he was ready to choke him. This only further confused Ben, who believed himself to be acting fairly rationally. 

“Do you think you can keep the nature of your…er…preoccupation in check for the rest of your lives? What happens if she wants to leave you again, Ben? What would you do?” 

Ben’s eyebrows furrowed, like he was really, really thinking about it. But he wasn’t. He was just trying his best to not get angry. “She’s not going to leave me.” 

“How do you know that?” 

“Because I love her.” 

“Sometimes love isn’t everything. In fact, sometimes love can be too…overwhelming.” Dr. Kenobi groaned. He couldn’t help it. It was back to square one with Ben, all over again. 

“Not for her. She needs my love. I can feel it, she craves it.” 

“That is the most horrible thing you’ve ever said to me.” 

Ben just shrugged. He was playing with his fingers now, trying his best not to pay attention to this grumbling old man. His mother tried to convince him that Dr. Kenobi was a genius, but he didn’t seem like a genius anymore. 

“Ben,” Dr. Kenobi continued. “Forgive me. I am always a bit too harsh with my words, but I care for your progress. Rey is not the key to progress for you, and I don’t believe you’re the key to progress for her.” 

Ben still wasn’t saying anything. 

“Respond when you’re ready.” 

Ben was never ready. They sat in silence for twenty minutes, and Ben recused himself at the hour mark without another word. 

— 

Rey had just emerged from a similarly intense conversation with Finn. He was concerned for her, kept throwing around the word “regression,” and told Rey that she was putting herself in danger, playing with fire like this. 

All in all, it went better than she expected. 

She waited outside of the cafe with a bag of cookies and an aching in her chest. Ben was late, he was never late. She toyed with the idea of calling him, and right when she was going to break down and do it, he finally pulled up. 

Ben was smirking as he rolled down the passenger side window. “Hey, pretty lady. Need a ride?” 

“Sure,” Rey stuck her tongue out at him. “My boyfriend was supposed to be here hours ago.” 

_Boyfriend._ Ben’s mouth went dry at the word. It was perfect, just as beautiful coming from her lips now as it was the first time. He would never accept anything less than boyfriend now. His psychiatrist could go to hell. 

“Hours ago?” He frowned when he got out of the car to open her door. “I’m only fifteen minutes late.” 

When they were both settled in their seats, she tossed the cookies into his lap. “No one eats these anymore.” 

“Yeah, because there’s way too much brown sugar in them,” Ben chuckled. “I was going to seduce you tonight, but I guess I’ll teach you how to bake first.” 

Rey was blushing. Ben could tell, because she always turned her head from him when she felt bashful. If he had to pick something to hate about her, that would be it. He always wanted to see how he affected her. They’d have to work on that, too.

— 

To his credit, Ben really did know how to bake. Rey watched him from the counter, silently begrudging herself for considering food safety standards as she did so. He was talking about ratios and the importance of mixing dry ingredients separately first and a bunch of other stuff that was going to go in one ear and out the other. Rey didn’t like to use recipes, they were messy and called for measuring cups and patience that she didn’t have time to clean or indulge, respectively. Maybe she could convince Ben to bake for her. They certainly didn’t run background checks at the cafe, after all. 

“C’mere,” Rey said. The way she used her index finger to motion him over made his cheeks flush, and he obliged, probably a little too quickly. “You have flour on your face.” 

“Err… where?” He stared down at her, intensely, until she positioned her knees around his hips to hold him in place. Her fingers cupped his face, gentle and urgent as she ran her finger against his cheekbone. 

“Got it,” she whispered. She was staring up at him, unable to match the intensity of his own gaze. He didn’t care. He just liked that she looked at him at all. 

Her lips stayed slightly parted, and he leaned forward, catching them in his. She tasted like his favorite coffee, there were hints of caramel and sugar on her tongue when she slid it into his mouth. His fingers were pressing hard against her waist as she pulled him down, closer, she needed him closer. He needed it, too. 

“Mm, gotta preheat the oven,” he whispered against her lips. She didn’t relinquish her grip, and neither did he. In fact, he pulled her even closer, relishing every little giggle and squeal she made as he pulled her off the counter and into his arms. 

“You’re so strong,” she purred into his neck. She kissed and nibbled where her words had vibrated against his skin, and it was almost too much for him, he felt so dizzy already. “My strong, perfect man. Where are you gonna take me?” 

“Nngh,” was all he managed to get out before he pressed her against the refrigerator and kissed her again. He was throbbing in his pants, but too full of butterflies and nervousness to register that. “Gonna take you to my bedroom.” 

“But what about the oven?” Rey was feigning shock. He knew she was teasing him, the way she nibbled against her bottom lip. He couldn’t have written this better. “Gotta taste those famous Solo cookies, you know.” 

Ben tightened his grip against her thighs, then moved his hands up to her ass, giving both sides of it a tight squeeze. Rey squealed again, the little vixen. God, if only she knew what she was doing to him. “I’m gonna taste your little cookie first,” he practically growled. He relished the way her cheeks brightened, the way she turned her head away from him like she’d never heard something so vulgar. He pressed a kiss against her collarbone while he walked them towards his room. “So innocent, my little Rey. Fuck, baby girl.” 

He wasted no time depositing her on the bed, and she wasted no time unbuttoning her tiny little shorts. He stood over her, analyzing every inch of her as he undid his belt. The dangerous little glint in her eyes didn’t escape him. She was staring at his crotch, staring at the enormous monster waiting under those jeans for her.

“I can tell how huge you are,” she murmured, eyes still fixed on his uncomfortable bulge. She shifted her thighs together. He couldn’t tell if it was in anticipation or out of nervousness, but there was an unmistakable little wet spot in her panties that gave him all the confidence he needed. “I knew you were, been dreaming about it for months.” 

_Fuck._ When did Rey get so… he shook his head, finally making progress with that completely unnecessary belt. He yanked it off and he was over her again, letting his kisses trail from her neck to her ear, back up and down again, and then his face was gone from the area completely. She winced at the lack of contact. Neither of them had any reverence for this moment, they just wanted to feel good, get off, do whatever they could to get closer and closer. 

She felt Ben’s fingers against the wet spot on her panties and she yelped. She already knew how good those fingers felt, she couldn’t recreate the feeling at home after all these months. She needed them. 

“C-can I?” He asked, playing with the edge of her labia. She nodded vigorously, a loud, involuntary moan escaping her when he finally found her clit. He rubbed for a minute, relishing how wet she was. How wet she was for _him_. All his. He finally slipped a finger into her and she practically screamed. The intensity of it made Ben even harder, and he had no idea that was possible. “Can’t wait, little girl. I need a taste right now.” 

The words made her hips buck up against his finger, and he played with her for a few more seconds before he slid his finger out of her and into his mouth. She was salty, earthy and sweet. Intoxicating. 

“God, you taste so fucking good, I knew you would, baby,” he breathed, leaning back in to kiss her mouth as hungrily as possible. He pressed two fingers back into her and she yelped. He’d read enough smut, watched enough porn to know how to position his fingers to hit her g-spot. God, she looked like she was ready to absolutely explode under him, sounded like it, too. Every little moan against his mouth made his cock twitch, until she was shaking, vibrating against him and making his fucking bed shake. He pulled away from her and pressed his hand against her mouth to stifle the sounds of her climax. She was gushing, blushing, flushing and shaking against him and his fingers while her eyes rolled back. Pleasure shook from her very core into her fingers and toes and giving in and curling all of her digits lengthened the orgasm. 

When he moved his hand, she was panting. Dizzy. 

“Ben, fuck,” she whimpered. The way she looked at him was too much, Ben had to grind his dick against her thigh to keep from imploding. “That’s just the first, I’ve been thinking about what my tongue is gonna do to that pretty little pussy since I met you,” he breathed into her ear. She moaned again, just from his words. _Fuck._ “Fuck, Rey. You have no idea what you do to me.” 

Rey whimpered when he slid his tongue over his ear, and brought her earlobe into her mouth with a soft nibble. She actually did have a good idea of what she did to him, but she had no idea he could possibly have this sort of effect on her. Maybe she really could grow to love him; if his tongue or dick were anything like his fingers, she was so beyond fucked. Literally. 

Before he could kiss his way back down to her pussy, they were both frozen by the sounds of movement outside. 

“Ben? Are you baking something?” He heard his mother ask, and he cringed. Ah, one of many casualties of living with his parents in his thirties. Rey didn’t seem to be bothered—she was more amused than annoyed. She’d already gotten off, after all. 

“She’s gonna leave in an hour,” he whispered. “I forgot it’s Monday, she’s normally not here so early…” He adjusted his dick into his waistband and whimpered at the contact of his fingers on such sensitive skin. “Get dressed, my little Rey,” he whispered. “Just until she leaves for dinner, okay? I swear, I’ll take care of you again. Gonna make you cum over and over.” 

Rey didn’t know if she needed to hide or not, but she had her pants back on in minutes and was desperately smoothing out the back of her hair in case she didn’t. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and almost laughed. Her lips were swollen, her skin was flushed, she looked like she just had the most incredible sex of her life despite having only gotten a sample. 

Ben pulled her up into his arms and squeezed her as hard as he could. “I’ll be back in five minutes, I need to tell her I have company. I love you so fucking much.” 

She melted into his arms and the words. They validated every bad decision she’d already made that day, the feeling that washed over her was unmistakable and unavoidable, better than any orgasm. 

She watched Ben walk out with a hazy stare. Why had she fought this for so long? God, she could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have literally never written anything explicit in my life and I'm so so so sorry if it's disappointing LOL


	15. Chapter 15

“No.” Ben’s voice was firm, final. Unfortunately, his mother was up to the challenge. 

“Oh, come on, Ben. I haven’t seen you this giddy about someone since…” Leia trailed off, not wanting to remind Ben of his former preoccupation. “Well, ever. And I’d love to meet whoever can coax a smile out of you.”

Ben winced for a moment. He had no idea what to say to her, no idea how to justify the beautiful woman in his bedroom. The one he knew his mother _hated_. She never had the full story, just assumed that Ben had gotten his heart broken by some coffee making tart. That was of some comfort to Ben until now. Leia wasn't ready to know he'd gone running back to Rey yet. Or that Rey had just as eagerly come running back to him. He'd rather she continued thinking he had a random woman in his childhood bedroom. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he murmured. His hand was pressing against the back of his neck. “This one's not…not a “meet the parents” type. Not her. But the next one, okay?” 

His mother was frowning, but didn’t press the issue too much. “Just remember that your days are numbered here, Solo. Unless I get a grandbaby, then you can stay as long as you want.” 

Ben couldn’t help but grin. Yeah, he wanted to put a baby in Rey. Three babies. Four. He didn’t care. Anything worked if it was a testament to how much he loved her. He just had to bring the idea of Rey back up to his mother gently, without implicating himself too much. Their love was conditional enough without adding “your-son-did-creepy-stalker-things” to the mix. Besides, it would have been a long, uncomfortable discussion. He couldn’t bear to be away from Rey that long. Never again. 

He dipped his fingers into the cookie dough and sucked the sweet concoction off with a satisfying _mmm_. He could still taste Rey on that finger, and the combination was beyond perfect. His feet carried him to his bedroom immediately after. There was nothing that could possibly implicate him in there—not anymore—but he still didn’t want to risk it. Not after what happened the last time he left Rey to her own devices. 

When he opened his door, he was pleasantly surprised to see Rey on the bed resting on her back. Her legs were up, one resting over the other’s knee while she hummed thoughtfully into her phone screen. She didn’t look up to any mischief, for once. 

“What? Do I have some reason to be crying and running away?” She finally asked, eyebrow raised as her eyes rested on him. He knew he was staring at her. He just couldn’t believe she was still there, the last time had been so utterly disastrous. 

“No, I’m not hiding anything from you.” Ben cleared his throat and slid into the bed next to her. “But you can still check if you want to.” 

“Mm,” Rey murmured. She rolled over so one leg was on top of Ben’s stomach. Truthfully, she didn’t want to know. She just wanted to feel good, no responsibility, no pressure. Ben loving her made her feel good. Ben touching her made her feel good. Everything else was just an unpleasant distraction from those factors. “Maybe later.” 

The way she breathed into his neck, letting her whispers settle right at the base of it… he couldn’t possibly be expected to fight the reaction in his pants or the reaction of his fingers. They moved from her knee to the top of her thigh and finally rested on her ass, but not until he gave it a tight, possessive squeeze. He smiled down at her, contentedly. “We’ve got some unfinished business, right?” 

“Mhm,” she was staring right back up at him, but her eyes were uncertain. 

“All good, sweetheart?” 

“I—I just…” she looked away from him like she had in the car. Bashful, uncertain, unconvinced. “I dunno. I haven’t really done anything like…this.” 

“Like…never had sex?” Ben asked cautiously. 

“No. Never.” 

Ben couldn’t help but smile. So they’d be each other’s first times, he thought, tightening his grip on her ass. She squealed and hid her face in his chest. 

“Me neither.” 

The air was heavy and thick between them before Ben’s lips came crashing back onto hers. She felt an insatiable desire in her gut, different than before. She realized didn’t want to be the only one feeling good anymore. Her fingers traveled down to the button on his jeans and she stared at him with that same flash of uncertainty. He just nodded and made no effort to hide the blush on his cheeks. Rey was going to touch him, finally. It was something he’d craved since the day her tiny fingers brushed against him the first time. The way she’d gripped that cup, like she knew exactly how he wanted her around him. 

She bumbled around with his button and zipper—gah, why did men’s pants have to bee so restrictive—until he was finally free of them. Pulling down his boxers was much simpler, but also much more intimidating. 

Nothing could have possibly prepared her for the absolute monster waiting for her. No amount of grinding or pitched tents could have even given her a fraction of the reality. 

“It’s…” she trailed off for a moment. “Just…”

He winced for a moment. She could feel the visceral reaction in his dick, and she frowned at him, unsure of how to explain herself. 

“No, Ben it’s just…huge. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how I’m possibly going to take it.” 

There was another reaction then, but this time it was more of a twitch of pleasure. “Rey…” he stopped, just as she had before. “If you keep talking like that, we’ll never get to that part. I’ll just cum on your hand like a teenager.” 

Something about that was endearing, and Rey found herself grinning. Wide. She pressed a kiss against the head of it, eliciting another shake and moan from Ben. She felt powerful like this, with his dick in her grip, his entire existence playing out in the palm of her hand. She tightened her fingers around him and tugged, slowly at first but then a bit more enthusiastically. Eventually she decided that there was too much friction and licked the palm of her hand before pressing it back against him. 

And that’s when he fucking lost it. 

Long ropes of white came shooting out of him and he was making incomprehensible sounds, like he’d never been touched like that. She was sympathetic, having been very acquainted with the feeling shortly prior to this. 

“I’m…so…” he looked up to the ceiling. He was a mixture of embarrassed and maxed out with pleasure, and for some reason, he loved that feeling. “Sorry. I couldn’t hold it together. How the fuck did you know to lick your palm?” 

“I mean…porn?” She was staring at him with those intent, hazel eyes. If it was biologically possible, he would have gotten hard again. 

“What else have you learned from porn?” He was suddenly and surprisingly coherent. 

Rey laughed. Really, really laughed. “I guess you’ll have to keep inviting me over to find out.”

The rest of the night was spent kissing, snuggling, Ben whispering sweet everythings into Rey’s hair and Rey whispering the least committal of them back. She felt whole again, and happy to bask in the warmth of whatever the fuck this was. They seemed like two halves of the same dangerous hole. She spent a bit of the evening wondering when that danger would rear its head, when she would find out that he’d been writing about dominating her and owning her and treating her like a pleasurable doll again. He could have been a serial killer, honestly. She wouldn’t put it past him. 

But the way he looked at her when he whispered I love you, like a scared boy. He was just as terrified of her as she was of him. For some reason, that element of danger made it better for both of them. 

He seemed especially nervous as he drove her home. When they finally reached her apartment she could feel his eyes boring into the side of her head. When she finally worked up the nerve to catch his gaze, he looked away from her, every bit the frightened child that she felt inside her. 

“What’s wrong?” She prodded. She let her fingers trace little circles on the back of his hand, noting the goosebumps on his exposed arms as she did so. 

He shook his head. She knew that shake, he was trying to get rid of a thought. She frowned. “Ben, tell me.” 

“I don’t feel like I should ever have to drive you home.” 

“Oh.”

He stared back over at her. His face was pressed into something she couldn’t recognize…regret, maybe? It had to be, but she wasn’t sure what it was for. 

“Rey…” he trailed off and pressed his fingers against her cheek. She fought the urge to shudder. “I wanna move in with you. Or…move out with you. I don’t know. Not yet, but soon. Home should be us, together. Not your apartment and certainly not my mom’s house.” He pressed a kiss against her knuckles, one by one. 

She sighed into his precious little kisses. “How soon?”

“Well, when do you graduate?” 

Rey winced, he’d hit a sore spot. “December…if I graduate at all.” 

His brows furrowed. “I thought it was…sooner. And more definite.” 

“No, I had to take a break from my capstone course. Just…” she wasn’t ready to have this conversation. She hadn’t even really had it with Rose or Finn, though they were aware that she’d pushed things back. “It was for the best. I’ll be 25 when I graduate, but it’ll be fine.” 

Ben was blinking at her. She couldn’t read his expression, but something about it made her want to hide her face. 

“Was it because of me?” 

“Mmm…” Rey hummed. She wasn’t sure if she should be honest. “I mean, partly. But it would have happened anyway. I was under too much stress.” 

She felt Ben’s body tighten, watched his fingers tighten around the steering wheel. 

“I’m so sorry I fucked that up for you. You deserve so much better than this, whatever it is.” 

Rey fought the urge to nod. She knew she deserved better, taking Ben’s past mistakes into consideration, but this was all she wanted. He was all she wanted. She had no idea why. “I want you, Ben. And if this is how it has to happen, so be it.” She brought his knuckles to her mouth and pressed a soft kiss against them to reciprocate his gentleness from before. “I don’t care what anyone else says. This is too intoxicating and overwhelming to be anything but right.” 

Ben smirked down at the steering wheel. “Everyone thinks it’s a bad idea on my end, too.” 

“Like who?” Rey couldn’t help but laugh. Honestly, it was funny. They were forging their own beautiful path of self-destruction and all anyone else could do was watch. 

“My psychiatrist,” Ben started. “Hux thinks it’s a shit idea. He said you make me primal. Oh, and my mom, but she thinks everyone’s a bad idea. Mostly my fault. You?” 

“Finn, Rose and Poe all want to kill me. Before you do, of course. And then they want to kill you.” 

Ben’s face fell, and Rey immediately regretted teasing him about that. “I really wouldn’t hurt you. Ever.” 

“I mean, I know that. But they don’t. At one point Finn thought Poe was exaggerating about how much raw strength and rage you had, but now that Rose has seen it in person, you’re pretty fucked as far as they go.” 

Ben tried to shrug it off, but he knew he couldn’t. Something about Poe trying to play the protective figure in Rey’s life bothered him. “When’s Poe moving out again?” 

“June.” Rey was watching him now with a cautious eyebrow raised. “Why?” 

“I’m just excited for it, that’s all.” Ben cast a wicked grin down at her. “Counting down the days. I hate that guy.” 

“He’s a piece of work, but he’s not that bad.” Rey’s fingers were playing with the door’s handle. She was ready to go and think about her bad decisions from today, and also think about how good Ben’s fingers felt inside her from the comfort of her own bed. He looked unfairly handsome right now, too tempting for his own good. “Everything will be fine, eventually. Between all of us.”

“Rey…” he said, in that way he always did, cautious and staring down at her like he was the lost puppy and she was the stranger. “Just promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“Don’t let them talk you out of me. Of this. I know I have a long way to go, but I’m going to make it so worth it for you. Us.” His fingers brushed softly against her knee, which coaxed a smile out of her. He leaned down and pressed a soft, warm goodbye on her lips. “Promise?” 

“This is too precious to me,” Rey finally opened the car’s door. She had one leg outside before she continued. “Only we could fuck this up. No one else has a shot in hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot progresses tomorrow, I promise.


	16. Chapter 16

All Rey wanted to do when she got home was take a shower. 

The thought was mouth-watering. Wash the day off, put her hair up in a tight bun, and watch something mindless on Netflix until the wine took the edge off and she could pass out. All she had to worry about was work tomorrow, and even then, there wasn’t much to do. Finn, Rose, and another woman named Jess had started taking on a proportionate share of the responsibilities since she’d become…incapacitated. It was so much less stressful now that she wasn’t the only one putting in real effort. 

She reflected back on herself, then. So obsessed with control and order and being as stressed as humanly possible. If she was being honest with herself, nothing had changed. She was just allowing herself a few more liberties on the control aspect with Ben. 

_Ben._

The thought of him was like a weighted blanket. He was too intense and everything she needed all at once. She hadn’t seen him since their date earlier that week, but they’d talked enough that it almost felt like he’d never left. 

When she got to her apartment door, she was shocked to find it already partially open. Then she heard Poe’s voice, and two unfamiliar voices, one gruff one… hm. Were his parents over? No, because she was positive Rose was visiting Finn today. Poe would never let Rose around his parents. They’d harangue him about marriage and leaving the military, he’d already dealt with that when they met Rey and swore it would never happen again. 

She poked her head in first, trying to scan the living room. They noticed immediately and the room got tense. So tense that Rey thought she needed to turn around and run far, far away, back to Ben’s or maybe even beyond the city limits. She later wished she had. 

“Rey,” Poe started. He stood up and motioned for her to sit down in the spot he’d been occupying. 

“Uh…I need to take a shower, can’t really hang out right now,” she tried her best, most polite smile, but no one in the room seemed convinced. She nervously continued. “But you guys have fun! We have games under the coffee table, you know. No need to sit around all serious like this.” 

She laughed. 

No one else did. 

“Rey, you really just… just sit down.” Poe’s tone didn’t allow for an argument. 

Rey anxiously did as she was told, scanning the room with more analytical eyes this time. She could almost place the woman and man sitting across from her. Were they customers? The older guy sitting beside them certainly wasn’t. He had striking blue eyes and sandy blonde hair and that kind of stern face that you don’t just forget, despite his relaxed appearance and… flip flops? In April? He was the man to finally break the silence. Rey shouldn’t have been surprised. 

“Hello, Rey. My name is Luke,” he motioned to himself. “This is Leia, and this is Han. Do any of these names sound familiar to you?” 

Rey’s brows furrowed. No, if she was being honest. Maybe Leia and Han, that was close enough to a memory. “I…don’t think so. Should they?” 

“So he doesn’t even bring up his own mother,” the woman, Leia, scoffed. The one called Han rested a calming hand on her knee. “Rey—“ her tone was laden with so much hostility that it almost made Rey want to run away again. “We’re Ben’s parents. This is his uncle.” 

“_Estranged_ uncle,” Luke corrected. “I’m just here for emotional support on all sides.” 

“Okay,” Rey nodded. She still didn’t get it. Was this a dream? Nightmare? “So where’s Ben? He didn’t mention dropping by today, so I’m a little confused—“ 

Now it was Poe’s turn to speak. “Rey, Ben isn’t coming. We’re all here because we love you. Well, some of us are here because we love Ben. But that’s not the point.” 

The pieces started to fit together and Rey jumped to her feet before Poe could pull her back onto the couch. 

“What the hell? Is this an intervention?” Her eyes narrowed on Poe, and his narrowed on her in turn. “I don’t need an intervention. I’m not even doing anything wrong!” 

“We just want to make sure we’re all on the same page,” Luke interrupted. He signaled for Rey to sit back down, and to Rey’s surprise, she did. God, that man was strong with the power of suggestion. “It’s less of an intervention and more of…well…to be fair, it is an intervention. Sorry.” 

Rey didn’t say anything. She was still sending an angry, smoldering gaze to Poe. 

Leia stood up to speak. Is this how the turns went? 

“Ben has been in treatment for ten years. Hasn’t had a single violent episode. I find out from my connections that he’s beaten someone up in a bar over a young woman…” she motioned to Rey, as if Rey didn’t know who the fuck she was talking about. “A young woman who, singlehandedly, caused him to have a nervous breakdown when she promptly and abruptly left him. What brought you back?” 

Rey was _incensed_ at the accusation hidden behind that question. 

“What—what?!” She started laughing and crying at the same time. Strange sensation, but she worked through it. “He scared me! And then he scared me again when he did that. I like Ben. I _refuse_ to apologize about this or justify it. We’re adults for Christ’s sake!” Rey was standing again, and stomping to her room, Luke’s silent suggestion be damned. “I like Ben. Ben loves me. I cannot possibly understand why any of you might—“ 

“Rey, calm down. Come back.” Poe’s voice was firm, but Rey’s resolve was firmer. “I swear, we only want to warn you about things. So you can make a responsible decision about whether or not to continue this. And Leia is rightfully worried about her son, who has a history of violence and cannot afford to go to prison.” 

“Did you set this up?!” Rey fought the urge to punch the fucking wall. And everyone sitting in the living room. 

Poe nodded. “Leia mentioned to me that her son had found someone, and when she realized it was you, she panicked. Because you’re bad for Ben. He’s worse for you. Have you even touched your dissertation? Are you even thinking about anything beyond going to the cafe and indulging his sick, warped fantasies about keeping you forever?” Poe raised a hand to stop her before she could speak, and she stood there, mouth wide open and ready to fall to the floor. _Ben was right. I fucking hate this prick._

“You have to face the truth about this at some point, Rey. You’re both making absolutely, positively, ridiculous decisions despite the counsel of everyone that loves you. And why? Why are you doing this? I know you don’t feel the same way.” 

Rey had tears in her eyes. She was embarrassed, hurt, and confused, and had no idea how dating someone that at some point freaked her out a bit was worth any of this. It was beyond mortifying. 

“I will not be treated like a _child_!” 

“Then stop acting like one!” 

Rey had surpassed incensed now. “How can you moderate the feelings of a thirty year old man?! What has possessed you? He’s my boyfriend. Sorry! God, I’ll let you approve the next one if I don’t marry Ben first. He loves me. He wants to protect me and provide for me—“ 

Han finally cut her off, but his eyes were gentle and soft, like he didn’t want to be there in the first place. “Ben doesn’t have a job or the resources to provide anything for you. He has a trust fund, but that’s contingent on…things. First and foremost, not going to prison. Secondly, our own approval. He has had _two_ ‘incredibly strong emotional reactions’…” he said the words like he was reading a script. “In the past six months. Both because of the nature of your relationship. His psychiatrist even warned us about his obsession with you, Rey. Risked a lawsuit, violated God only knows how many HIPAA ordinances. To protect you. That’s why we’re here, to protect you and to protect our son from himself.”

“That is so messed up,” Rey was crying. She felt tears dripping from her chin. “So, so messed up. This is such an invasion of our privacy and our lives and I don’t even want to think about what Ben’s going to do when he finds out about this. He’s not going to leave me, I’m not going to leave him, I promised and…” she cleared her throat, deciding that she would be steadfast and not justify herself further. “Let him be an adult for once. My God, the man needs a little bit of faith in his life. What is wrong with you people?” 

She turned on her heel and marched right back out the door, running down each step with a horrified skip. She was so overwhelmed, crying and hiccuping and getting ready to explode when she felt her phone buzz. 

It wasn’t Ben. She wished it was Ben. All she saw was Poe’s stupid face staring back at her. 

She fought the urge to throw her phone against the exposed brick of their apartment and continued walking—no, running—in the direction of the cafe. 

**From Rey**  
_I need you to come get me. At the cafe. Please. I’m scared_

Well, maybe she wasn’t exactly scared, but she knew that would get Ben there much faster. 

**From Ben**  
_ Where are you _

** From Rey**  
_ Walking to cafe from my house. Pick me up when u see me I don’t want to waste any time _

** From Ben **  
_ Okay sweetheart I’m on my way _

** From Ben **  
_I love you_

The words might have made her feel warm if she thought for one second things could work out between them. How much of the truth could his parents have possibly known? If they knew anything, they wouldn’t have talked to her like that, like she was the problem or she was influencing him in any way. If anything she’d just fucking _relented_ to him. God, Ben was going to be so mad. 

He was able to meet her within about ten minutes. She had no idea how to even begin to broach the subject. What had happened was so weird and surreal and strange, something she didn’t put past Poe but… wow. Ben’s parents were real pieces of shit. No wonder he was so fucked up. 

“Did someone do this to you? Did someone hurt you?”She shook her head. 

“Do you wanna go back home with me?” He asked, almost frightened of her state.

She burst into tears and shook her head. 

“Okay. Um… I can take you home?” 

“God no!" 

“Okay, sweetheart. I’m gonna take you to get some pancakes instead, okay? Will that make you feel better?” 

Rey nodded, and his face softened. He was confused. So was she. 

When they got to the diner parking lot, Ben reached over her and grabbed tissues from the glove compartment. He started blotting at her face, under her nose where her snot had accumulated, looking at her so tenderly and protectively that she had to actively fight the urge to burst into tears again. “Just tell me what’s wrong when you’re ready, okay? And don’t worry about crying in there. Do it if you need to. Fuck them, I’ll straight up fight them if they say anything to you.” She knew he was joking, but God, he said it so seriously. _ That’s the problem, Ben. _

She took a few minutes to calm down. He tried to breathe louder, more calmly, so she could focus on matching their breaths. Her hand was swallowed in his enormous palm and he was holding onto it so protectively, so lovingly, so graciously. Eventually she was able to calm down. Eventually she was able to speak and form coherent sentences and breathe. And eventually, she was able to relay all of the details to a Ben that didn’t seem nearly shocked enough. 

The way he was sitting there, almost quizzically…had she blown everything out of proportion? 

And then he smiled. A stupid, big, Ben Solo smile. “That’s so fucked up.” He was laughing, leaning back into his seat now, but his fingers were still wrapped around hers. “Oh, wow. I can totally see my mom doing that. Especially if Poe convinces her it’s a good idea.” He gave her hand a playful squeeze and shrugged. “Told you my mom didn’t like it. I mean, I didn’t know she knew, but she thinks you’re a trigger for me. Which is hilarious. The only trigger for me is my own stupid brain.” 

Rey was staring at him. She didn’t know if she should laugh with him or start crying again, but that would only keep her away from her pancakes longer, and _God_ did she want her pancakes now. 

“I thought you’d be more…upset? I mean, it was upsetting for me. Probably the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.” 

Ben shrugged. “It’s par for the course. I have my dirty laundry aired every day. I get my big nose rubbed into it every time I fuck up. Now that you’re involved with me, you’re getting your cute little nose rubbed in it too. And it’s not even your mess.” 

Rey shifted her body to face him. “I’m going to marry you, Ben Solo. If only to spite those fuckers.” 

He erupted into laughter beside her. “If you really wanna get married, we can do it tomorrow. Courthouse opens at 8 AM.” His eyes flashed with something that was just wicked enough for her to know he was only half-joking. And she was only half-considering taking him up on it, again, just out of spite for her ridiculous roommate and his horrible family. 

“I want to marry you the right way. Far, far away from this place.” She shifted in her seat and smiled at him. Her eyes were swollen and puffy and she couldn’t work out fine details, but the way his eyes traveled down her tear-soaked face when she said that. God, she could swear she was falling in love with him, too. “And your parents are NOT invited.” 

“No, they’re not.” Ben chuckled. “Neither is Poe. Unless I can kill him during the—“ 

“Don’t you dare finish that thought. I’m scared enough as it is.” Rey looked at him, intently at first, and then burst out laughing. “You’re too intense for your own good, baby. We’ve gotta work on that before the big day.” 

“Mrs. Rey Solo,” he began. He lifted her hand up and peppered it with kisses, the way only he did. “I hereby promise to protect you,” another kiss, closer to the wrist, “love you,” he was traveling up her arm now and Rey couldn’t help but giggle. “And buy you blueberry pancakes. ’Til death do us part.” 

“I have to tell you something. Promise you won’t get mad?” 

Ben was too busy peppering kisses on her arm and shoulder now to respond with anything but a tiny nod. 

“I like chocolate chip pancakes more.” 

He was completely leaned over now, chuckling into her neck. She felt her face flush and melted into the kisses he left there. Really, really melted, in a way she’d never let herself before. 

And for the first time in her life, she felt like she was at home with the equally intense and easy-going man beside her. The man that could talk her out of the most intense panic, who seemed to know exactly what she needed without being told. 

She loved him. Insanity, obsession, weirdness and all. Something she never thought would be possible for her, after all the trauma, after all the hardship, after what he’d already put her through. She really, really loved him. 

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more... plot...tomorrow...


	17. Chapter 17

“Welp, she’s gone,” Poe sighed. He shoved his phone into his pocket and let himself back into the living room, plopping down onto the now empty couch with a sigh. As level-headed as he usually felt, even he wanted to punch something. “I don’t think we accomplished anything on the list, either.” 

He let his eyes wander around the room. Han had a comforting hand on Leia’s back, and Leia was leaning forward into her hands. Luke was nowhere to be seen, but the sounds of rustling in the kitchen were confirmation enough of his whereabouts. 

“It’s alright, kid. We tried.” Han was patting Leia’s back now, trying to coax her to stand. She refused, so Han pushed his back against the loveseat and let out a muted sigh. “I think—I think we just let our feelings get out of control. Forgot why we all came together in the first place.” 

“You think? You _think_?” Leia finally lifted her face from her hands. Her eyes seemed foggy and her skin was red, but aside from that, she seemed unaffected. “That poor girl. I’m…embarrassed.” 

“I’m pretty sure we accomplished the opposite of what we wanted.” Poe couldn’t help but snort. “She definitely went straight to Ben.” 

“I still don’t understand why that’s such a bad thing,” Luke yawned as he finally emerged from the kitchen. He had an armful of snacks—most notably potato chips and a jar of pickles—much to Poe’s dismay. Those were Rey’s, and she was already pissed. “I don’t think any of this was necessary.” 

“Ben is bad for Rey—“ Poe started, but Leia raised her hand to stop him. 

“No, Rey is bad for Ben. Ben just cares about the girl, for whatever reason.” 

“No, Ben is bad for Rey! Rey would be good for anyone—“ 

Leia cleared her throat. “You’ve never been a big fan of Ben, Poe. And vice versa. But the girl is clearly in the wrong here.”

“How is any of this Rey’s fault?” 

“She left him in the first place!” 

Poe pressed his fingers against his temples and sighed. There was a migraine building in the front of his brain, and the indecision of whether or not to correct Leia’s line of thinking was weighing heavily on him. It wasn’t his business to tell Leia what her son had written about, or how much it had fucked Rey up. But God, it would make everything much clearer for her. They’d know _why_ he was so insistent on separating them, beyond Leia’s firm belief that Rey was just coming back for money. 

“That wasn’t Rey’s fault, Leia.” Poe was skirting the line between a full-out confession or a beautiful lie, but he had to set the record straight somehow. He owed Rey that much. “Ben did something that frightened her. He just…came on a little too strong. She’s state-raised, pretty flighty when it comes to things like commitment.” 

“Whatever Ben did, I’m sure it was a misunderstanding,” Leia frowned. “He’s a gentle boy.” 

Han snorted beside her. “Yeah, when he’s not getting into fights or punching holes in his walls. We should buy stock in a plaster company.” 

Leia shot Han ‘the look,’ and they both straightened up and stared at Poe to fill in the blanks. 

“Listen, he… He just did something. I’m actually not sure what it was.” Poe grit his teeth together. _Benjamin Organa Skywalker Solo, you fucking bitch, you owe me your fucking life._ “I just know it freaked her out completely. I also know she’s been so depressed over him that she couldn’t even finish her fast-track PhD course. Believe me, that was the most important thing to her before they met. He has completely upended her desires to be a responsible adult. She doesn’t even spend time at her business anymore. Her own business! All she cares about is Ben, and he just…he’s just not good for her.” 

“Interesting.” Luke shoved a potato chip in his mouth. His crunching was obnoxious, but not nearly as obnoxious as the look on his face. “Ben is a nut. I’m sure it was bad, despite my sister’s desire to see the good in him.” 

Poe nodded. “It was very bad. I think he feels…er…possessive over her. I just don’t want to see her hurt, physically or otherwise.” Poe’s face was unreadable. He’d laid all of his cards on the table, and he had no idea how the woman he considered a second mother was going to take that. 

“Are you insinuating that Ben would lay a hand on her?” Leia looked scandalized. She was reaching for the bag at her feet, eyeing Poe all the while. 

“I don’t know what he’s capable of,” Poe admitted with a slight cringe. “All I know is that Rey is fragile. She’s like a little glass figurine. It won’t take much to break her.” 

“Ben is the one in danger!” Leia was indignant now. Han was desperately trying to calm her down with gentle pats and rubs, but it wasn’t working. “He’s made too much progress to lay it all on the line for that… oh! I don’t even know what I want to say. She’s a trigger for him. Has been since the day they met. I had to go down to the coffee shop myself to see what all the fuss was about!” She shook her head. “We should have gotten our ducks in the row before we involved the girl. I’ll admit that much. Regardless of our difference in opinion, I think we both just want order restored to our loved ones’ lives.” 

“I think you should leave them both alone,” Luke muttered between bites. He moved on to the jar of pickles. “But you’re both meddling hens, so I know you won’t. Sometimes you have to trust adults to know what they’re doing.” 

Poe and Leia cast crazed glances towards the man in the floor. He shouldn’t have been capable of that much harm with a pickle hanging out of his mouth, but he’d still managed to strike some nerves. 

“Oi! Calm down, calm down,” Luke sighed. He dropped his half-eaten pickle back into the jar. “If they want to be together, let them be together. I’m really not getting gold-digger vibes from the girl. And Ben… he’s going to do what he wants. Knowing it pisses you off will only make him happier to do it.” 

Han hesitated for a moment, but eventually nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I have to agree with that. Not our finest idea.”

Luke snorted. “You really need to apologize to… what’s her name? Ron? And then give them your blessings. Can’t believe I let you talk me into this mess.” 

“But what about Dr. Kenobi? He said Ben was in a bad situation.” Leia was obviously frustrated with the way the situation unfolded. “All I want is my son back. I want him to have a chance. If he gets his heart broken again, he’ll never have a shot at a normal life. I know him well enough to know that.”

“Now that,” Luke put his hand back into the jar to feel around for his recently discarded pickle. Poe wanted to gag. “Is a discussion for Ben and his girlfriend. Not us. I’m just here for the food.” 

“No one offered you food, Luke,” Leia frowned. “Not even once.” 

— 

“Can I offer you a pancake with that syrup?” Ben asked. He had an eyebrow raised, and was only half-way teasing. “I didn’t think you’d use all four flavors in one bite.” 

Rey narrowed her eyes at him. She took a big, spiteful bite of her dripping pancakes. “I’m in severe emotional distress. I deserve this.” 

Ben smirked at her, but didn’t say anything. He wrapped his fingers around the coffee cup in front of him, and almost lost himself in the black, reflective film that had gathered at the top as it began to cool. He felt nervous. Their future was uncertain and hanging by the thread of a thread, and all they could do was wait. He wasn’t a patient man. Not by any means. 

“So,” Rey cleared her throat to break the uncomfortable silence. “What now?” 

“I have no fucking clue. This is weird.” 

Rey laughed so hard she choked on her water. That was an understatement. “You’re weird.” 

“Cool.” Ben shifted uncomfortably and refused to meet her eye. He was frustrated and nervous and felt like he was crawling out of his skin. He’d tried to keep it at bay for Rey’s sake, but the events she’d relayed to him had bothered him. Deeply. And now there was an uncomfortable tension between them, even worse than the time he almost strangled someone for touching her. Now she was calling him weird. “You can pay for your own pancakes if I’m such a fucking weirdo.” 

“Ben,” Rey sighed and shoved her plate away. “Come on, I was just kidding.” She looked up at him with pleading eyes. It had just slipped out despite the circumstances, it was exactly what she would have said to Finn or Poe in jest. “And I was going to pay for myself, anyway.” 

Ben fished a fifty dollar bill out of his wallet and dropped it on the table. His expression was completely unreadable, and that made Rey nervous. “Too late. Let’s go.” 

She followed behind him at a distance. She believed that he’d never hurt her, but he didn’t seem like himself right now. There was someone else at the control panel. 

Ben finally spoke again when they got settled in his car. He was thumbing the gear shift and staring in his rearview. “Well, I can’t take you to my house. Not sure if you’re ready to go home yet.” 

“Um, I’ll just… stay at Rose’s tonight. It’s fine. She’s working, you can just drop me off at the cafe.” Rey was squinting out of the window with tears crowding her vision. She wasn’t going to let him see her cry, not over what seemed to be a constant, steady stream of miscommunications between them. Things had been so good before they ate. Now the tension was palpable and suffocating. 

Ben sighed and backed out. He didn’t say a word to Rey, and Rey didn’t try to initiate further conversation during the drive. 

She was playing with her fingers awkwardly when they pulled onto the side street, trying to work up the nerve to say goodbye. He didn’t seem interested in saying anything else. “Well, I’ll… see you? Call me later?” 

Ben shrugged and put the car in park. “If you want.” 

Rey’s eyebrows furrowed. Her nose scrunched. Her face went pale. 

“Are you mad at me?!” She finally blurted, both an accusation and a question. 

Ben blinked at her for a minute, then cocked his head to the side, like she was asking the world’s dumbest question. 

“Uh… not really. I mean, yeah, you hurt my feelings, but it’s not you. Just… the situation is… uncomfortable.” He bit his lip and stared down at her. “I just have a shit ton to work out with my parents and my fucking _uncle_ now. And God if I don’t want to press Dameron against a wall and strangle the life out of him.” His knuckles were so tensely wrapped around themselves that they’d turned white. 

“Well, that would make things even worse,” Rey frowned. She never knew if he was serious or not, and it scared her. She was beyond caring about that at this point, though. “So maybe don’t?” 

“God fucking damn it, Rey, I’m not going to fucking kill anyone. It’s just a figure of speech.” Ben was exasperated, and he just wished Rey would get out of the car so he could calm down. He was so fucking bad at calming down, and the more he thought about his parents cornering Rey and convincing her to leave him, the less he actually wanted to. _Fuck._

Her eyes narrowed at him again while she considered what to say. 

“Fuck you,” ended up being the most eloquent thing to come out of her mouth. But she didn’t move. 

“What, are you gonna leave me again for being upset about this?” Ben asked, slumping back into his seat. His breathing was erratic and he knew it was only a matter of time now before he’d lose it completely.

“You weren’t upset about it an hour ago!”

“I was trying to calm you down! I didn’t have the fucking capacity to be upset about it!” 

Rey gripped the door handle. “Talk to me like this ever again, and I really will leave you.” 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you ghosted me again.” Ben scoffed, turning his attention to the road in front of him. She needed to leave, soon, before the part of him he called Kylo took over completely. He meant it when he said he’d never hurt her, but he was still fully capable of being mean. “Since I’m such a big, scary fucking weirdo that’s done nothing but love you and be there when you needed me.” 

“You. Wrote. A. Book. About. Fucking. Me.” Rey hissed, enunciating each word with the force of a hurricane. 

“I. Said. I. Was. Sorry,” Ben growled back. It took all he had not to take it a step further with cursing. “I’ve gone through therapy and tried my hardest, and you said you’d give me another chance. You’re either over it or you’re not, sweetheart, and you’re free to go whenever you want if you aren’t.” 

Rey crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him, indignantly. “I’m over it.” 

“It’s not you, Rey. I swear.” Ben sighed into the steering wheel and finally let angry tears flood his cheeks. That alone alleviated much of what was building up inside him. “I’m just so frustrated. I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Ben,” Rey leaned over to push his hair behind his ear, a comforting gesture she'd learned from him. “I don’t care how scary or violent your parents think you are, I’m not going anywhere.” 

“How do I know that?” 

“Because I love you,” Rey frowned. This wasn’t the time or place she planned to admit that, but it was a necessary evil. “I might be insane, you might be insane, but I fucking love you.” She laughed and pushed her body back into the passenger seat, as if it might envelop her if she pressed hard enough. “You’ve occupied my brain since our first conversation. Even before that, I was drawn to your intensity. I wish you’d given me your number the first day instead of just fucking fantasizing about me.”

Well, there went the rest of his rage. Ben unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over his armrest. He cupped her cheek and pressed a solid, salty kiss against her lips. “Me, too, Rey. I just never thought I’d deserve you.” 

“I thought the same thing.” Rey giggled. He was still hovering in front of her face, so she kissed him again, slipping her fingers around his wet cheeks. “I’m sorry I didn’t make a move, either. I definitely thought about it.”

“Fuck,” Ben whispered. He pulled her as close as he could with the storage compartment and armrests in their way. It was awkward, but they were together. “If I’d known that, we could have avoided all of this." He chuckled for a moment. His fingers wiped away at the sticky wetness under her eyes. "Maybe we’d be engaged by now.” 

“With a baby on the way?” Rey asked, eyebrow raised. “Sounds ideal.” 

“Probably two babies. Twins run in the family.” 

Rey’s eyes widened like saucers. “Don’t ever say that again.” 

He chuckled into her lips and pressed them together again, trying to translate the passion and intensity he felt. She gave it back to him ten-fold. 

“I don’t wanna go home, either. I’d probably punch my dad,” Ben admitted when they finally pulled apart. He cleared his throat, hesitating for a moment. She would either hug him or slap him for what he was about to say. “Wanna get a hotel room?” 

He couldn’t help but notice her cheeks darken. She didn’t say anything, but she did nod and fasten her seatbelt. 

“Motel 6 sound good?” 

“Are you serious?” Rey blinked at him, but felt foolish when she registered his smirk. Of course he wasn’t taking her to a motel. 

She sighed in relief and stared out of the window. Spring was rearing its beautiful head, and their city was covered in tiny green blooms. This was her favorite season, she loved the idea of re-birth and new opportunities. She and Ben had withered in the winter, but they’d thrive in the spring, fortify and strengthen in the summer, and weather anything that the cold might throw their way. They’d never be apart again.

“I have condoms,” he blurted when they pulled into the parking lot. “In the glove compartment. Just in case.” 

Rey flashed him a mischievous grin and wrapped her fingers around the door handle. “Good. We’ll need them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think there are about five chapters left of this, we're gonna hit the climax (in more ways than one) next time and then there will be a few resolution chapters and then an epilogue <3 sorry i disappeared for a week!!! really fought writer's block.
> 
> as always, your comments and feedback mean the world to me

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first fanfiction ever, but I've been... healthily(?) obsessed with Reylo since 2015. 
> 
> We'll see how it goes. Feel free to give feedback, criticism, mean comments, nice comments, etc. :) Just be gentle with me. This dynamic will devolve and unravel very quickly, and the chapters that follow will be much longer. Don't worry.


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